


The Road Less Travelled

by stardust_20



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Alien Biology, Angst, F/M, Motherhood, Relationship(s), Suicidal Thoughts, Unplanned Pregnancy, andrew isn't lash in this fic, au after season 2, mentions of Andrew Garner - Freeform, past traumas, somewhat graphic sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-10
Updated: 2016-12-11
Packaged: 2018-04-20 02:36:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 32,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4770362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stardust_20/pseuds/stardust_20
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens when the unthinkable occurs?  When something you used to want desperately but no longer do comes true and you don't know what to do? Melinda May wanted children once upon a time but Bahrain changed that. She doesn't want children anymore. Can't even stand the sight of them; it reminds her of Katya and all of the things she lost in that mission.</p><p>Phil never thought he'd marry or have a family. He was never a family man; being a part of Shield didn't really lend itself to that, especially being the Director. The team was his family and he was happy with that. Or so he thought until he learned he was to become a father ...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Set after season 2, AU (as I don't honestly believe the writers of the show will have Coulson and May actually get together in any tangible way, much as I'd like to see it), but compliant with the universe as it was left in season 2. Gemma (yes I spell it this way, this is how I've always seen it in books and Jemma looks wrong to me) was temporarily swallowed by the alien rock and then spit back out and never told anyone what happened to her while she was "gone".
> 
>  
> 
> I do not own these characters and am making no money here. Just playing with them for fun because Marvel's sandbox is an amazing place to play. :)
> 
> * Also, somewhere I'm missing the box to check that says how many chapters. This is a multi chapter fic, a work in progress (though I have several chapters already done).

__________________________

May stood at the edge of the precipice, wondering if she was going to be able to find the courage to throw herself into it. She’d always been considered by her peers, even by herself, to be fearless and unafraid to die, but there was a vast difference between dying whilst trying to survive and take down the bad guys, and just plain giving up. Could she really live with herself, knowing she’d given up without a fight? 

She wouldn’t have to find out the answer to that particular question if she followed through … 

**~ ~ ~**

**Two months earlier …**

“It’s good to have you back.” Coulson beamed at her.

May only nodded in response and allowed a half-smile to grace her face.

“It’s not like we couldn’t function without you - “ he continued.

“Of course not.”

He almost laughed out loud at the dryness in her voice. “But I missed you.”

Her whole body relaxed and, uncharacteristically, her guard dropped. “I missed you too. I wish I could say I missed this place but I really didn’t.”

His eyebrow raised. “I know what you mean. We’ve been here over a year and it still doesn’t feel homey. Do you suppose it ever will?”

“No.”

“Pessimist.”

“Realist.”

“Humour me, May.”

“Shall I hang some pretty curtains in the false windows and toss down a few throw rugs?”

He glared at her. “Now you’re just mocking me.”

She shrugged and changed the subject, looking pointedly at his left side. “The hand looks good.”

Coulson looked down and flexed it. “It’s incredible. Feels so real,” he said enthusiastically, eyes wide like a boy with a new toy. “I expected something more crude.”

“From Fitzsimmons? Come on, Phil, you ought to know better.”

His eyes lifted to meet hers and he smirked. “Guess you can call me the Six Million Dollar Man from now on.”

“What happened to you was no joke, Phil.”

The amiable persona dropped away. “I’m well aware of that. More so than anyone.”

She took a step forward. “I know how hard it is.”

“You can’t know.” The words were harsh, clipped. She couldn’t know the phantom pain that still woke him in the night. Couldn’t know how it had felt before the new hand was ready; he was a leftie and had recoiled with increasing nausea each time he’d reached for something and saw the stump. She couldn’t know, couldn’t understand how losing one hand - he had another, couldn’t he spare it? - had left him feeling emasculated and incomplete, like he was a missing a heart and soul. 

“I know what it’s like to have a chunk of you hacked away against your will,” she said softly, “only mine was on the inside. No one can see it but the scar will never heal completely.”

His voice grew tender as his eyes lifted to meet hers. “I know.”

“This is another one of those traumas that changes you forever. It’s going to take time for you to accept the new you and learn how to live with it.”

“I don’t know if I can.” His gaze dropped back down, where two hands that looked the same but were so different, lay calmly at his sides. “It’s another big piece of me I’ve lost in this fight, May. My heart, my brain, my memories … now my hand. When is it going to stop? Do I have to sacrifice all of me until there’s nothing left to give?” His eyes lifted to meet hers and he knew in them she could see the pain he couldn’t mask. “I’m losing all of me and that cost is just too high. I don’t know if I can do this anymore.”

She reached out and touched his cybernetic hand, twining their fingers together. “Can you feel that?”

“Of course.”

“You are still Phillip Coulson, the man I vowed to follow to the ends of the earth and beyond if necessary. You’re the same man you always were; kind, humorous, wickedly intelligent, and an inspiration to everyone who knows you and works with you.” She squeezed his fingers tighter. “You’re not a quitter by nature and you won’t quit now, no matter how hard it is. I’ll be here with you every step of the way, Phil. Whatever you need. You can lean on me when you need someone and I’ll always be here.”

He stared into her deep brown eyes, seeing the kindness and gentleness and steadfastness that she rarely showed and suddenly his emotions, always so carefully controlled, erupted. 

Quickly and without conscious thought, his right hand stole up to caress her cheek and slid down her neck into her hair to grasp the nape of her neck. He drew her closer and took her lips with his own, kissing her fiercely and probing her mouth with his tongue.

She didn’t pull away, rather she countered with just as much passion, opening her mouth wider and exploring his tongue with her own. After what seemed like an eternity, the kiss ended and their foreheads pressed together, eyes still closed. When he opened his, she was looking at him with that enigmatic look he knew so very well but could never read. 

“May - “ he began.

“Don’t,” she whispered. 

He knew better than to argue with her so he let the silence grow, digesting what had just happened. Eventually she pulled away as he knew she would, and just sat looking at him.

“So how was your time away?” he asked with a feigned nonchalance he knew she wasn’t buying.

“Good.”

He waited but she didn’t venture anything more. “Okay so … “ Coulson cleared his throat and moved back behind his desk. “I guess I should catch you up on what’s happened since you left.”

May clasped her hands together and took the at-ease pose. “How’s Skye doing?”

“Remarkably well.”

“She’s tougher than any of us realize.”

He nodded. “She doesn’t appear to have any limits. Every time she’s tested I think she might break but she just comes back stronger. Not unlike someone else I know.”

May’s eyebrows raised but that was the only hint she gave that she was aware of the compliment he was paying her. “Eventually she’ll come across the one thing that will break her.” A shadow of darkness, one he’d rarely seen of late, crossed her eyes. “I just hope I’m there when it does because she’ll need someone strong to hold her up.”

“You’ll be there,” he affirmed. “You always are.”

They shared a look. May sat down in the chair opposite him. “So, catch me up. What went down while I was gone, besides the acquisition of the bionic hand?”

~ ~ ~ 

“There is to be no contact with the targets. Do I make myself clear? Surveillance only.”

Hunter and Mack both answered Coulson in the affirmative before May chimed in. “As you wish.”

“You’re my eyes in the sky but you’re to remain invisible unless this goes sideways, May.”

“Understood.” It wasn’t a difficult task. Flying was the part she preferred anyway; watching her teammates backs came naturally after so many years in the field. The men were good, both together and separately, despite Hunter’s lack of official Shield training. He took orders well, surprisingly, but then he’d been married to Bobbi and she was no pushover. Except now … she seemed to have been broken by her last contact with Ward and his new protege …

May forcefully put it out of her mind. She hurt for her friend, knowing some of what Bobbi was feeling, but now, in the middle of a mission, wasn’t the time to be thinking about it and letting it distract her from the job at hand.

“We’re nearly in position,” Hunter said quietly through her earpiece.

“Good. May?”

She checked the GPS. “Directly overhead.”

“Eyes and ears, people. We need intel on Hydra’s next move.”

The minutes passed as May circled overhead, waiting. In the blink of an eye it all went wrong. She heard muffled noises and unfamiliar sounds coming from their comms. 

“Hunter, Mack, is everything okay?” Coulson demanded, hearing what she heard, and wishing as always, that he didn’t have to stay back at the base, blind and helpless to save them.

“No, it’s Grant Ward. He’s with Hydra.” Mack’s breathless voice gave the information succinctly. “He’s made us and is after Hunter. We need extraction.”

“I’m on it,” May said brusquely, forestalling Coulson’s order.

Her heart began to pound and she forcibly slowed it as she took the jet down. The three of them negotiated a pick up point, barely escaping as Ward and his henchmen shot at them. May normally wouldn’t have worried about out-flying anything they sent her way, but both men were still hanging off the rescue ladder and Ward was a crack shot.

“Hold on tight. Bumpy ride coming up.”

~ ~ ~ 

“Bloody hell.” Hunter still looked green. Mack looked a little pale too. “That was nuts.”

“You’re still alive, aren’t you?”

“Lost my stomach out there.” He eyed her wrathfully.

“Have you seen the bullethole pattern on the quintjet’s hull?” May demanded. “You’re lucky you didn’t lose more than just your stomach.”

“May is right. Ward is extremely dangerous and you’re lucky to have gotten out of there in one piece.”

“Yeah I know,” Hunter growled bitterly, casting a sidelong glance at Coulson. “He would have killed me last time too if Bobbi hadn’t put herself in the way.”

They all grew silent, thinking on the toll their last encounter with Ward had had on her.

“You’re dismissed gentlemen. Take the next few hours off and have a drink or two. You’ve earned it.”

Mack nodded. “Sounds good to me.” He clapped Hunter on the shoulder as they walked out. “Unless someone has taken it, there’s a beer with my name on it in the fridge.”

“I didn’t see any names, mate … “

Coulson shut the door behind them. “Good work getting the out of there today.” May nodded, accepting his unspoken thanks. 

“Grant Ward,” he mused as he walked up to stand in front of her. “He keeps turning up like a bad penny.”

“The next time I confront him I’ll kill him. No more of this. I’ll take him down even if it costs me my life.”

“It had better not.” His eyes caressed her face, an unreadable expression she’d never seen before in them. It felt almost more intimate than if he’d touched her with his hand, and it made shivers run up and down her spine. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.” His voice was low and husky and though he hadn’t moved any closer, she could feel his breath tickling her cheek.

The spark, ever present between them caught suddenly and they moved into one another, lips crushed together as arms held bodies tightly against each other. She pulled at his tie, loosening it, even as he unzipped her vest and tore it off her shoulders. Buttons popped and skittered around the room as she pulled off his shirt, grasping at his bare skin as he unhooked her bra. 

Skin to skin they stood, naked to the waist, mouths still hungrily devouring each other. Stopping, they both gasped for air, foreheads resting against one another’s.

“May,” he rasped.

“Don’t,” she panted. “Don’t think. We can do this.”

“Can we really?” His eyes opened wider and in them she could see something deep and dark.

“It won’t affect our work.”

“Are you sure?”

May shook her head. “We’re professionals. We can keep it separate.”

They were the words he wanted to hear, though in his heart he wasn’t sure if he believed them. But knowing she wanted him this much fueled his desire and swept away his common sense in a flood of emotion. In desperation, he pulled off the rest of her clothing and his, pushing her up against the wall and kissing her frantically as his hands explored her body. Hers were doing the same, driving him insane with his need to be inside her.

He bent one leg up at the thigh, opening her up so he could thrust himself in. Her hips tilted forward and she pulled him closer, until he was all the way and could go no further. Their movements were fast and furious for a few short minutes, then he felt the familiar tingling in his balls and thighs and knew it wouldn’t last much longer for him.

She moved then, angling her hips in a slightly different way and cried out as she went completely rigid and all her inner muscles began to spasm around him. He thrust into her one more time and groaned into her neck as he came, spilling himself inside her over and over until he was completely empty.

She clung to him, pinned to the wall, for several minutes, then wordlessly they separated and she disappeared into the washroom, shutting the door behind her. She returned minutes later, dressed, to find him shirtless, pulling on his pants. 

Suddenly she remembered the buttons. “Sorry about the shirt.”

“It’s okay. I have a few more.”

She watched enigmatically as he rummaged in a hidden closet and pulled on another starched white shirt, buttoning it not quite to the top and leaving his tie off. Their eyes met and held for a moment, then she turned and started walking towards the door.

“May.”

She looked back. “I should go.” 

He bit his lower lip but said nothing. 

“It’ll be easier to keep things separate if I don’t stay.”

He knew she was right but that didn’t stop his illogical feeling of wanting her to. His arms already ached to be around her again, his senses still remembering the scent of her hair and wanting to bury his face in it.

“I’ll see you in the morning for the day’s briefing.”

There were a lot of things he wanted to say to her then, some to convince her that blending this new personal side of their relationship with work would be okay, they just needed to be willing to work at it, some just because there were things he needed to say to her and always had. 

All he could manage was three words. “Good night, May.”

~ TBC ~


	2. Chapter 2

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

She lay in bed curled up in a ball, wishing she could sleep, but every time May closed her eyes all she could see was Coulson’s face, a look of utter bliss on it as she’d straddled him on his office chair and brought them both to the very limits of physical ecstasy.

They’d grown into a sort of routine; seeking each other out every two or three days and engaging in incredible sex, then parting with barely, if any, conversation. On one hand it was intensely satisfying, giving in to the physical desires she’d denied herself for so long and getting at least a few moment’s physical release from the building pressures of life. On the other, their newfound intimacy terrified her. Doubtless it was best for them to keep work and personal relationships separate - even being too close as just friends had caused them both pain when those two aspects hadn’t meshed. But the harder she fought to keep him at arm’s length emotionally and treat it as just sex without strings, the more tied to him she felt, the more he constantly crept into her thoughts.

This was the third week they’d been together, surreptitiously meeting in his office or one of their quarters after everyone had gone to bed. She didn’t think anyone knew or suspected what they were doing, no more so than the assumptions people had always had about them. Their intensely close friendship had always caused gossip amongst those they’d worked with. That was nothing new.

She preferred to keep it private. People wouldn’t understand the boss and his second in command having casual sex, especially given their close friendship as well. Come to think of it, she wasn’t entirely sure what to think of it either … or how to explain it should anyone find out and ask. She could just deny it and make sure they were careful about not being caught again, but May had made herself a promise to tell no more lies. She’d lied to Coulson, he’d lied to her, and they’d both lied to Skye, and in all instances there had been a world of hurt and a backlash of frustration and misery to deal with. No more. Honesty was her new policy. Discretion, however, that was a different thing. What they were doing wasn’t hurting anyone, it was just a matter of being discreet and keeping things compartmentalized so it didn’t affect their working relationship. Which, so far, it hadn’t. 

Her head ached from the constant whirl of thoughts, questions and recriminations her mind kept churning to the surface. If she were to be completely honest with herself, her heart hurt too. But that was something she wouldn’t allow herself to feel.

May wished she could just shut it all off and go to sleep.

~ ~ ~ 

Coulson lay on his back in bed, fingers laced under his head, and stared up at the ceiling as he thought back on the events of earlier when he and May had had sex. _Made love?_ No, definitely not that.

Love. It was an interesting concept for them. He loved Melinda May, always had, and he was pretty sure she felt the same way about him. Not the ‘in love, sexually attracted to’ kind of love, but that friendship love - whatever Freud called it. The one where you enjoyed one another’s company, cared about each other’s wellbeing and wanted to share in each other’s lives. That kind of love. They’d been friends, classmates, partners and each other’s confidantes for more years than he cared to remember. They had loved one another in the purest, most unselfish way for several decades.

And now there was this.

One part of him thrilled to their newfound physical relationship; it had been two years since his death that he’d gone without intimacy of any kind, and he really hadn’t seen much of Audrey in the year prior to that either, as he’d mostly been on assignment with the Avengers. Nearly three years celibate was a long time, and May made love, had sex - whatever you wanted to call it, with the same purpose and perfection that she did everything else. It was exquisite and only got better each time.

But on the other hand, he was having trouble keeping it impersonal, no strings attached. He’d taken to leaving the door to his quarters ajar when he retired in the evening as that seemed to be her preference, and while he enjoyed the sex in the bed, he ached to hold her afterwards. To have her stay and sleep in his arms. He didn’t just want her for a few moments of release, he wanted the emotional intimacy with her as well. The feeling that is was _him_ she wanted to share herself with, not just a warm, willing body. 

In short, he was falling in love with her. Coulson was man enough to admit it to himself in the privacy of his own room, the knowledge that the more of Melinda May he had, the more of her he wanted.

It didn’t bode well for them even if she did feel the same way, and so far she hadn’t shown any signs of it. Their close personal friendship already made it more difficult to work together in their current structure, and had already caused friction between them as work and friendship had butted together. How could they possibly cope with feelings of love and affection as well, without them spilling over into their working relationship? Fury had always insisted the no fraternization rule be absolute with good reason. He’d never been even tempted to test it before and now understood how good a thing that had been for his career. For his sanity too.

His head spun and he was weary of the constant struggle to try not to think about it. He wished he could be like May and lock it away. He envied her her ability to compartmentalize and not allow emotions to intrude on life.

~ ~ ~ 

She spun around and levelled a kick at Bobbi, just missing as the other woman quickly shifted out of the way. May stumbled and stopped, waiting for the world to stop spinning around her.

“Are you okay?” Skye asked, pausing in her routine.

“Fine. Just dizzy for a second.”

“I thought I was the invalid,” Bobbi teased, a dimple creasing her right cheek. 

May grimaced at them both. “Didn’t sleep well last night. I’m not quite a hundred percent today.”

“Good. Maybe I can beat you for a change.” Skye smiled hopefully.

“Don’t push your luck, kid.” The return smirk softened May’s words. “You’re doing well Bobbi.”

The other woman gave a half-hearted shrug. “It’s coming back. Slowly.”

“You were shot. And tortured. And nearly died,” Skye reminded her. “Don’t expect too much of yourself too soon.”

“Just another day at the office,” May murmured. Bobbi nodded ruefully.

Skye’s eyes passed between the two. “This is all normal for you, isn’t it?”

“It’s the life of a combat specialist. Getting injured is what we do.”

The younger woman’s eyebrows rose and May interpreted it correctly. “We all need a certain amount of combat training and survival skills, Skye. If Shield were still intact like it was before, you’d have had to take several levels of combat and self defense at the academy. That doesn’t mean you’ll become one of us.”

“I think Coulson has a different future in mind for you,” Bobbi added helpfully.

Skye nodded slowly, trying to look as if she didn’t know what they were talking about. Coulson had sworn her to secrecy in her mission with the Inhumans and she didn’t want to give anything away. He would undoubtedly tell everyone when he was ready for them to know.

May stepped back and reached for a towel. “You two keep going. I’m going to sit the rest out.”

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Skye repeated. “It’s not like you to give up a chance to beat me.”

She sat on the bench, hoping the lightheadedness would pass. “I’ll watch and critique you both; gives me a better chance to see how your form’s coming along.”

“Great.” Skye frowned as she took her combat stance in front of Bobbi. Inside she worried just a little though; this was the first time since they’d begun training together that May hadn’t finished a training session.

~ ~ ~

She scowled at the plate with a look that had withered hard men’s souls.

“It’s sushi,” Skye said helpfully.

“I know what it is,” May snapped.

“Well are you going to eat it or scowl it into submission?” Hunter drawled.

She raised her eyes and loosed the full power of the glare on him.

Coulson, sitting beside her, shrugged. “To be fair, you do look as if you’d had a quarrel and it insulted your honour.”

She didn’t grace him with a look, instead aiming the scowl back at the plate.

“I thought you liked sushi.” Coulson’s voice had dropped, turning the conversation personal. It had also taken on a tone of concern she knew all-too well. He’d picked up on the fact that something was wrong.

“I do.” Her stomach turned queasy all of a sudden. “I’m just not hungry.” She stood suddenly and pushed away from the table.

“Excellent, all the more for me,” she heard Hunter gloat as she left the room. She scowl settled in to stay, marring her usually pretty face. She’d been hungry until she’d laid eyes on the food. Now eating was the last thing she wanted to do.

~ ~ ~ 

They all looked at him helplessly and Coulson sighed, pushing his plate away. “Fine, I’ll go see what’s bothering her.”

“Something is,” Skye said. “She acted weird at training this morning too.”

“So why didn’t you ask her yourself?” he threw back playfully as he stood.

“And get my head bitten off? No thanks.”

“You’re the only one she won’t kill for getting into her business,” Bobbi put in, knowingly.

“Maybe we should start calling you The Lion Tamer.”

Coulson eyed Hunter. “You do and I won’t stop her from killing you the next time she asks to.”

“She wants to kill me?”

Coulson almost smiled at the surprise in the other man’s voice. He did smile at Bobbi’s response has he walked out of the room. “You are annoying, you know. I’ve wanted to kill you myself many times … “

He found her, as expected, in the arboretum. Koenig was something of a horticulturalist, they’d discovered, as he’d taken the one room with a skylight and made it into an indoor greenhouse. May had a green thumb and had had a lovely garden at the home she and Andrew had shared; she’d even managed a very substantial patio garden at her next home, a one bedroom apartment, and he knew she suffered at the lack of sunshine and greenery, being mostly cooped up underground.

“Melinda.” He walked over to her and sat down beside her, pulling his legs up and clasping them to mirror her. “Are you okay?”

“Fine.”

“I would expect you to say that if you were dying.”

“I would.”

He cast a sidelong glance at her. “I think you owe me the truth.”

She met his gaze with cold eyes. “Do I?”

“I think you do. I don’t know what we are to each other anymore, May, but I do know we’re more than just partners now, and I think considering everything we’ve been through and all that we’re sharing, we owe each other the courtesy of being honest with one another. About everything.”

She held his eyes for a moment then looked away. “I feel sick.”

“Sick?”

“Nauseous. The thought of eating made my stomach turn.”

“That’s it?” He couldn’t stop the incredulity from bubbling into his voice. 

“Yes.” 

He laughed. 

“It isn’t funny.”

“I know you don’t like admitting weakness, but … “

“It’s not that, it’s just … “ She squeezed her knees tighter until her knuckles were white. “Embarrassing.”

He looked over at her again. “So you’d rather be angry and aloof than embarrassed.”

“Yes.”

“Huh.”

“How long have you known me?” She turned her head slowly to face him. “And you haven’t figured that out yet?”

His eyebrows raised. “That revelation colours a lot of the interactions you and I have had over the last couple of years. I often thought you were angry with me but now who knows what you were actually feeling?”

“Phil … “ she began warningly.

“It’s okay, we can leave the past in the past. Is there anything I can do now to help? I’ve heard peppermint is supposed to be good for an upset stomach.”

“Ginger tea.”

“You want me to make you some?”

She stood stiffly, still managing to look graceful though anger was visible in every line of her body. “I can do it myself. I’m not an invalid. And yes, before you ask, I am irked with you for suggesting it.”

He stood and held his hands up in surrender. “My apologies. I’ll leave you be and let the others know you’re okay.”

Her gaze softened. “Thank you.”

~ ~ ~ 

_“I want to feel your pain.” The girl kept coming for her. “I felt all of their pain but it isn’t enough. I want to feel your pain.”_

_May inched away as the girl came closer, shuddering at the dead look in her eyes. She should have seen it earlier, should have known … all those men had died because she’d tried to protect the girl._

_Katya and her mother were evil and there was only one way to stop real evil …_

May woke in a cold sweat just as her hand felt the cool metal of the gun that had fallen behind her. She hadn’t had the dream in a long time. Months, in fact. It did come periodically, though they now had many more demons to chase that often haunted her dreams instead. After so many years the details of the encounter had blurred somewhat, but the gist of the dream remained - May had to kill a child, and along with her, a huge piece of herself.

Her stomach churned and she began to shiver, feeling the cold grip her all the way down to her toes. she looked at the clock. Five ten. A trip to the bathroom to splash some cold water on her face should help her calm down and get back to sleep.

She barely made it there, unsteady on her feet the whole way, when her stomach gave up its fight and she retched violently. When it was done and there was nothing left to come up she sat back, propped against the wall, arms wrapped around herself to try to stifle the shivering.

~ TBC ~


	3. Chapter 3

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Skye knocked on May’s bedroom door exactly one hour later, pleased with herself for having woken up on time for a change. Usually her SO was the one at her door, dragging her sorry butt out of bed closer to six-thirty as Skye inevitably slept through her alarm.

“May?” She knocked again and waited a moment, knowing she’d get an earful for not being patient if she kept at it. “May.”

“Go away.”

Skye frowned. May had obviously called out to her from the bed all the way across the room. That wasn’t normal. “Are you okay?”

“No. Sick. Go ahead and work on the routine we were practicing yesterday.”

“Okay … should I come back and check on you later?”

“No. Go away.” May’s voice was faint but there was no mistaking the irritation in it.

Skye did as she was bidden and tried to concentrate on the tai chi routine they’d been working on even though part of her mind was still with her SO, wondering if everything was okay. May was never sick. Never skipped training, not for anything. While she was sometimes short and impatient with people, she’d seemed to develop more patience with her and snapping at her like she had this morning wasn’t normal either.

“Morning, Skye.” Coulson, arriving down in the training area a short while later, smiled at her. He was dressed, the top button of his shirt still undone and tie in hand. “Where’s May?”

“She didn’t come this morning. Said she was sick.”

“Uh oh. She must have picked up a ‘flu or something. Must be why her stomach was feeling iffy last night at dinner. I’ll go see how she’s doing.”

“I’d be careful if I were you,” she warmed.

“Don’t worry. She won’t hurt me. She’d just end up in charge then and that’s the last thing she wants.” He sent her a lopsided grin as he turned and walked away.

“May?” he ventured quietly, rapping softly on her door minutes later. When she didn’t answer, he let himself in. “May?”

“When people don’t answer,” she rasped, “it usually means they don’t want you to come in.”

She didn’t look well. She lay atop the bedclothes though she still only wore pajamas - shorts and tank top - but uncovered though she was, her skin glistened with sweat. He touched her forehead but she slapped his hand away.

“You’re burning up. You must have a high fever.”

“It’ll pass.”

“Let me get you something for it.”

“No.” She curled into a ball and turned away. “I’ll be fine. Go away.”

“I’m not coddling you because we’re lovers,” he guessed at her shortness, trying to keep the anger out of his voice. “I’m trying to help as a friend.” She didn’t respond to his words. “And if that’s still too personal for you, I can’t have my best agent down for long so you’ll do whatever I tell you to in order to be back on your feet as soon as possible.”

She rolled over slowly, fixing him with a stony glare. “You’d really make it an order?”

“If I have to.” His face gentled. “Why do you make it so hard for people to help you? I know you like to be self-sufficient and always be in charge but sometimes you just have to let go and let someone else look after you for a change.”

“And that would be you?”

“I can have Hunter do it if you’d prefer.”

Her eyes slitted. “You’d be a dead man, twenty year friendship or no. So would he.”

“Maybe that’s my endgame,” he said cheerfully, sitting on the edge of the bed gingerly. “To get rid of him.” He touched her forehead with his good hand again; this time she made no move to stop him. “You need something to bring this fever down, May. I’ll see what Simmons has got.”

~ ~ ~ 

His arms flailed helplessly as May looked at him with loathing. “She insisted on coming … “

May transferred her death glare to Simmons, who shrugged. “Well I’m not about to just prescribe any kind of medication if I can’t see first-hand what’s wrong with the patient, am I?” She laid her kit on the side of the bed.

May growled. There was some logic in that though she’d personally prefer the ‘take two aspirin and see me in the morning’ approach.

“Mouth open,” Simmons ordered, smiling as she popped an old-fashioned thermometer in before May could protest.

“Wow, that’s pretty low-tech,” Coulson murmured, echoing May’s thoughts.

“Some of the good old-fashioned tools still work best despite all of our advances in technology,” she countered, looking back at him. “I could use a newer device but then I’d just want to double check with this anyway.”

May growled again, unable to voice her opinion.

“Plus it keeps patients quiet,” the doctor added conspiratorially, with a smile.

“You’d best be careful,” he admonished. “May’s not big on patience.” His eyes twinkled at the play on words and May rolled her eyes.

“Oh my.” All humour dropped from Simmons’ face as she took the thermometer and read it. “Nearly a hundred and four. That’s approaching dangerous levels.” She fished around in her bag as Coulson’s worried eyes fell downwards. “We’ll need something a little stronger than Tylenol for this.” She filled a needle with yellowish-clear liquid. “This should help.”

“I hate needles.”

“We all do, Agent May,” Simmons soothed, plunging the needle in. “But sometimes it’s necessary.”

Coulson nodded knowingly. May wanted to glare at him again but found she just didn’t have the energy to be mad.

“Now I’m going to need to ask you some questions to get the details.” Simmons looked pointedly at Coulson. “Doctor/patient confidentiality?”

It took him a minute to get the hint. “I’ll come by and see how you’re doing later,” he offered.

~ ~ ~ 

“How is she doing?”

Simmons’ face was carefully devoid of emotion but he could see the worry in her eyes. “I’m a little concerned, to be honest. The injection I gave her should have reduced the fever almost instantly.”

“It hasn’t dropped yet?” Unlike Coulson’s stomach, which had descended several levels and felt both icy and hot at the same time.

“It’s been two hours and it hasn’t budged.”

“Can you give her more?”

“I can but there’s no point if the first dose didn’t work. Whatever it is she’s in the grip of, it’s very harsh. I’d like to take some blood and do a detailed study to see if I can figure out what it is. That’ll give me a better idea of how to treat it.”

“Do it,” he said brusquely, offering nothing more as she turned to leave. “Simmons. Report back to me when you have results. May isn’t the best of patients and given her situation right now she might not be able to make the best decisions for her own care.”

Simmons nodded. “I won’t treat her against her will, you have to know that, but I will report to you before I go to her.” Her gaze narrowed in. “Whatever it is, I may need your help breaking the news.”

He gulped. “Do you think it’s that bad?”

Her face was grave. “It isn’t good.”

~ ~ ~ 

“How’s May doing?”

Coulson regarded Skye with a mix of irritation and amusement as she plunked herself down cross-legged on the couch beside him.

“Not good.”

“Was it a ‘flu?”

“We don’t know.” He tried to be circumspect but knew it was hard as the young agent had always had an unerring ability to read him. “Simmons is doing tests.”

Skye’s face grew solemn. “It’s that bad?”

“We don’t know,” he repeated.

“I should go see her.”

“Don’t.” His hand shot out and grabbed her wrist as she made to stand up. “She won’t be happy to see you. Remember this morning?”

“But she needs to know we care.”

“She does know, Skye. But May is … “ He searched for the right word. “Proud. It wounds her pride to have people see her when she’s vulnerable.”

“She’ll let you see her.” He caught the pout in her voice and it made him chuckle inwardly.

“Barely. We’ve known each other twenty-five years and seen each other through every possible circumstance, and even still she hates letting even me see weakness. Trust me on this, Skye. I’ll tell her you miss her and you’re worried about her. If you try to see her to tell her yourself she’ll be snarly and say things she doesn’t mean and will regret later. Your feelings will be hurt and it won’t have helped anyone. Let me talk to her and take her anger for you.”

She touched his hand gently. “You don’t have to take everyone’s pain you know.”

He was shaken that she’d seen so far into him. “Sure I do,” he said lightly, smiling to ease the tension. “Comes with the job of Director.”

“Fury should never have made you director. You care too much.”

“That’s exactly why he did.”

~ ~ ~ 

“Wh … what are you doing?”

Simmons whipped around. “Oh Fitz! I didn’t hear you come in.”

Once upon a time he would have teased her about being too immersed in her work but not anymore. He’d changed, it was true, and they’d struggled for a long time to adjust to their new relationship, but now she was the one who was acting strange. Had been for several weeks … ever since she’d disappeared for several days with no explanation. Fitz wasn’t sure if anyone else had noticed the change but he knew her well enough to know something was different.

“Are you doing something secret that I’m not supposed to know about?”

“Of course not.” She turned back to her test tubes and machines. 

He walked up to stand beside her. “Is that blood?” 

“Agent May’s.”

“Oh?”

She faced him. “She has an unexplained fever that I can’t bring down even with heavy duty drugs. I need to find out what’s going on with her.”

“Sounds like your kind of puzzle.”

“Mm hm.”

“N … need any help?”

“No. I’m fine.”

He moved away without speaking, and as if she realized she’d been brusque to the point of rude, she added, “thanks for the offer, Fitz. I’ll let you know if I need you.”

He nodded and kept walking.

~ ~ ~ 

A knock at the door interrupted Coulson from his non-work. He’d been trying to concentrate on paperwork and assignment organization since dropping in on May a few hours before, but found he was busy doodling on the page more than getting actual work done.

“Have you found something?” He stood as Simmons entered his office.

“I found something, yes.”

Her gone was guarded and the way she twisted her hands together made his blood turn to ice. “Not the answers you were hoping for, I presume.”

“More questions, actually.”

He drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Okay, shoot.”

She followed suit. “I found two unexpected things in Agent May’s blood sample. Firstly, trace amounts of the GH325 serum.” She met his eyes. “I’d ask how it got there but the second thing, the hormone known as HGC, answers that question for me.”

“I’m not familiar with it. What is it?”

“A pregnancy hormone.”

HIs mouth literally dropped open as his stomach felt like it plunged to the floor.

“Yes, Agent May is pregnant. And as you’re the only male we know of with the alien serum in his blood, I can only assume … “

“Yes,” he interrupted, throat suddenly dry. “It would be me.”

“You two have been having sex? Unprotected sex?”

His face reddened. “It’s not like that. She’s on The Pill. I never thought about the serum … “

“You didn’t think to tell us all what you two were up to?”

“It was personal.” He bristled at the accusation. “We’re entitled to have a personal life too, one we don’t share with everyone. I don’t ask you if you’re sleeping with anyone, or harass Hunter and Bobbi for their on-and-off relationship.”

“But you’re the boss and she’s your second in command,” Simmons protested. “Do you not see the conflict of interest there?”

Coulson drew in another deep breath. “Pushing that part of the situation aside to be dealt with later, let’s focus on the important thing - May’s health. Does this have any bearing on May’s fever and how we can help reduce it?”

“Like I said before, it raises more questions and doesn’t really answer our original one.”

“What does your gut tell you, Gemma? I trust it.”

“If I had to make a hypothesis … “ She paused thoughtfully. “I’d say the fever is her body’s way of rejecting the alien DNA And trying to kill it.”

He gulped. “Does the baby’s blood have the serum in it too?”

“Technically it’s still called an embryo, being only a few weeks old. I won’t be able to test for that for some weeks yet, but I’d say it’s a fair assumption, given that it has your DNA. Her body sees the baby as alien, something that doesn’t belong, and will likely try to get rid of it.”

“Through miscarriage?”

“Quite possibly. But that wouldn’t solve the problem really, as May herself has the serum in her own bloodstream, so if I’m right about what’s happening then her body would continue to fight itself to get rid of what doesn’t belong.”

A lump suddenly closed his throat and his heart stopped. “Could it kill her?”

“Quite possibly, yes.”

~ TBC ~


	4. Chapter 4

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

A baby. A _baby_. May was pregnant. Of all the challenges he thought he’d be facing, this one hadn’t even been an addendum at the very bottom of an extraordinarily long list. He should have thought first, known that he had an alien set of genes living within him now that he had to be careful to keep to himself. And there was the irony of it all: he’d stopped thinking of himself as different once the new normal became, well, normal. He hadn’t been careful and now May was paying the price.

Coulson dropped his head into his hands, grateful Simmons had given him a few moments to collect himself before they went and broke the news to May. He wasn’t sure if she would be angrier about him killing her with his alien DNA or getting her pregnant, when he knew full well that having children was totally off the table for her. So how had it happened, she being on the Pill and all?

He ran his fingers through his thinning hair and sat back. Who knew what kind of havoc the alien DNA was wreaking in her body … he’d believed the alien whose DNA had saved him and Skye was Kree but then why had the terrigen crystal nearly turned him to stone? It hadn’t done the same to Skye when she’d been exposed; if they were both sharing the same Kree DNA they both should have been immune to its effects, just like the other descendants of the Inhumans.

No, he wasn’t Inhuman, that was for sure, but he wasn’t completely human anymore either, and he’d forgotten that. Now May was suffering because they’d been together and she was carrying a child whose DNA was a mishmash. Of what, he wasn’t even sure. _If there’s any way you could have messed up worse_ … He stood up and took a deep breath. _Time to stop berating yourself and figure out how to make it right._

He joined Simmons out in the hallway. “Okay, let’s go.” His heart beat double time to his steps as they headed towards May’s room.

~ ~ ~ 

Her heart raced and she couldn’t get it to stop, not even using all of the tricks she’d learned in combat and Tai Chi. It pounded as if it wanted to break right out of her chest, and sweat poured down her temples.

The fever was getting worse.

May sat up slowly, waiting for the world to right itself, then even more slowly, slid off the bed and began to walk. Her legs felt shaky and weak, and, as humiliating as it was, she put a hand out and leaned on the wall for support.

“Agent May, you should be in bed!”

May swung around slowly as Simmons rushed up behind her. She glared at the woman, including Coulson in its scope, warning them both not to touch her. “I need to use the bathroom,” she said clearly, her tone brooking no argument.

“But you’re not able .. “

Coulson stopped Simmons with a firm hand to the shoulder, though his eyes never left May’s. “Go with her.”

Simmons looked back and forth between them, observing the conversation they were wordlessly having. In Coulson’s eyes she could see the firmness that May dared not argue against, and in hers she saw the embarrassment and loathing of the order but also its acceptance.

“Okay. Do you want to hold my arm?” She held it out.

“No.” May turned away from her and continued her slow pace, using the wall for help.

A long five minutes later they emerged from the washroom, May still stubbornly refusing help. She looked even more pale, though she’d obviously washed her face and cleaned some of the fever-sweat off.

Simmons lingered as May turned into her room. “She vomited too. A lot,” she said quietly. “I don’t like it.”

“None of us does. Tell me you can do something for her.”

She met his eyes. “That’ll depend on her reaction to the news.”

May sat up in her bed, the covers pulled decorously up over her bare legs. Coulson knew it had a lot more to do with embarrassment in showing weakness than prudishness, as she had gorgeous legs and knew it.

“So doc, you want to tell me what’s wrong with me?”

“Firstly I should tell you I know you and Agent Coulson have been having sexual relations.”

May’s eyes darted to his questioningly, warningly, but Simmons forestalled his protest.

“I figured it out for myself when I found traces of GH325 in your blood sample.”

“Oh.” May blinked twice. “Is that the cause of the fever? My body’s reaction to it?”

“Partly. There’s something else foreign taking up residence inside you at the moment.”

One eyebrow rose delicately, asking the question without words. 

“A baby. You’re pregnant, Agent May.”

~ ~ ~ 

_She drew the little stick out of the box, heart pounding wildly. “This is it.”_

_“So …”_

_She met Andrew’s eyes quickly before darting back down. Her shoulders slumped and she sighed. “False alarm.”_

_His warm, strong arms enfolded her. “It’s okay, honey. We’ll keep trying. One of these days it’ll work out. I promise.” A finger tilted her chin upwards so she was looking into his eyes. “Besides, this is the fun part, the trying. We should enjoy it now as we may never get to make love again afterwards.”_

_May punched him in the chest playfully._

_“What? I’ve heard babies take up a lot of time and you’re too tired to even want to have sex after you have them.”_

_She raised an eyebrow._

_“That’s what my coworkers say.” He shrugged. “I just listen. That’s my job.”_

_“Uh huh. Well right now you’ve got another job, and one I want you to treat as diligently as you do your other work. This attempt may not have been successful but I hope next time it will be. I expect results, sir.”_

_“Yes ma’am.”_

~ ~ ~ 

“I uh … I … “ The world began to dim and May shook her head a couple of times, blinking to try to push the grey back from the edges of her vision.

Coulson stepped quickly to her side. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” They shared a look.

Simmons cleared her throat. “Actually you’re far from fine right now. I need to get that fever down, for both of your sakes. It’s not good for your body to run a high fever for a long stretch of time, and it’s even worse for the baby. Fever during the early stages of pregnancy can cause all sorts of developmental problems in the embryo.”

“But if the baby is what’s causing the fever … “

“It’s a catch-22. Using something stronger than what I gave you before to reduce the fever _could_ harm the embryo, but doing nothing and letting the fever run its course definitely will.”

“So are you saying we should terminate it?” May’s voice was flat and cold.

Simmons held up her hands. “I’m not suggesting that at all, just telling you the facts.”

“That doesn’t seem to leave many options.”

Coulson faced Simmons. What do you recommend?”

“I don’t want to attempt to make any moral decisions for you. I suggest you two talk about the situation and come back to me when you’ve agreed on what you want to do, but do it quickly because I need to get a treatment plan in place right away. The longer this fever holds on, the more damage it does. To both of you.”

~ ~ ~ 

“May.” He sat on the edge of the bed, watching her with growing unease. Simmons had left five minutes earlier and she had yet to speak; she’d sat motionless, staring at the wall in silence since then.

“May, we need to talk.”

Slowly, her eyes turned to his and in them he could see the pain and suffering she couldn’t hide. “May, I’m so sorry,” he whispered, heart constricting. “I never thought … I should have realized … “

“I don’t want a baby.”

“You don’t … are you sure, because I remember you used to want a family - “

“That was before,” she interrupted, voice shaky but somehow still sounding harsh and unyielding. “I don’t want it now. Never.”

He sat back, feeling as if she’d hit him. Finding out she was pregnant was a shock, yes, but though he’d never really thought about having a family, the knowledge that he’d created a life with a woman he loved was making him think twice about the idea. There was a certain pride in knowing he’d fathered the child beginning to grow inside her. “We may not have meant for this to happen but it did, and that clump of cells that’s going to grow into a person is mine as well as yours. Do I get a say in whether it lives or dies?”

She stared at him wordlessly.

“Good, because I don’t think we should rush this decision.”

“You want a family?” The incredulity in her voice broke his heart and it shattered into pieces as she continued. “With _me?_ ”

The look of self-loathing in her momentarily unguarded eyes nearly undid him. He reached out and took one of her hands into his good one. “I lo … you mean a lot to me, Melinda. A lot. Honestly, I don’t really know what I want, which is why I don’t want us to do something we might regret later. Right now all I want is to make sure you’re okay.” He squeezed. “Can we both agree on that?”

She nodded reluctantly. 

“Good. I’ll go talk to Gemma and see what can be done about that fever. Hang in there, okay?”

May nodded again, but as he closed the door behind him, she began to shake it. “I can’t have a child. I can’t.”

~ ~ ~ 

“What can you do to get that fever down?”

“Are we caring about the baby?”

He didn’t appreciate the sarcasm in her voice. “Of course, but May’s life is more important.” He swallowed hard. “We save her at all costs.”

“You do realize what a scientific miracle this would be, and what an opportunity we have here. Human and Kree DNA mixing and creating a new species.”

“Aren’t I it already? And Skye? And all of the other Inhumans?”

“Yes, but this is a chance to study it from conception, through the embryonic stage, and right from birth onwards.”

“It’s our son or daughter, Agent Simmons,” Coulson said coldly, “not a science experiment you grow in a test tube and keep in a hermetically sealed bubble for observation.”

“I didn’t mean it like that.”

_Of course you did._ He’d seen the gleam in her eye as she’d been talking of experimentation. _What happened to your humanity, Gemma? This isn’t like you at all._

“I’ll do what I can for Agent May but I’d like to try to avoid harming the baby as well, if I can.”

“You’re the scientist. I trust you’ll find a way. Update me in an hour. Less if you have something.”

“Yes sir.”

~ ~ ~ 

“What are you doing to me?”

Simmons smiled at May as she prepared the injection. “I’m giving you a low dose of the drug doctors use after organ transplants to stop the body from rejecting the foreign tissue. It suppresses the immune system so you should stop having the intense reaction you’re having to the foreign DNA inside you. I hope - it’s never been tried on alien biology, that I’m aware of. It will be pretty intense and leave you feeling very weak, but it should bring the fever down.” Their eyes met and though May didn’t voice the question aloud, Simmons answered it. “This drug was not meant for pregnancy cases so there may be harmful side effects on the baby. Possibly even miscarriage. Agent Coulson agreed to this treatment if you’re willing.”

She nodded once.

“Okay, here goes.” She plunged the needle in. “You should keep your phone close in case there’s a problem and you need me right away.”

~ ~ ~ 

She woke, feeling disoriented. And cold. May reached for the covers but recoiled when she pulled them up to her chin.

“We need to change the sheets,” Coulson’s voice said softly, close by, forcing her eyes open. “It seems the fever has broken but you did an awful lot of sweating.” He grimaced, though she imagined he was attempting a smile to put her at ease. “I think we could probably wring them out and get a bucketful.”

“How am I?” she croaked, clearing her throat.

“You tell me.” He helped her up to a sitting position. 

“Cold. What time is it?” In the windowless room with the lights dimmed it was impossible to tell if it was day or night.

He consulted his watch. “Just shy of ten.”

“A.M.?”

Coulson shook his head. “You slept for nearly twelve hours.”

“God.” May scrubbed her hands over her face and ran them through her hair. “I must look horrible.”

“I have seen you look better,” he confessed. “But then you’re dehydrated and haven’t eaten in twenty four hours. Can I bring you something?”

Their eyes met. “Only if I can shower while I wait. I feel disgusting.”

“Deal. Do you need someone … “ he began delicately.

“No. I’ll be fine.”

~ ~ ~ 

It felt good, the hot spray gushing over her head and down her body, wiping the stickiness off. May luxuriated in it, facing the showerhead and letting the water pour down her face. Her legs still felt unsteady and weak and her head ached, but she felt better. Some liquids and food would go a long way towards recovery yet; then she’d have to deal with the emotional ramifications of the situation.

Looking down at her stomach, still flat and toned, she reiterated her thoughts from earlier. She didn’t want to be pregnant. Didn’t want to have a baby. Definitely didn’t want to be a mother. Katya had taken that from her, along with the humanity she was only just beginning to rebuild.

She couldn’t possibly deal with seeing a child, caring for a child, every day of the rest of her life and not think of Katya and remember what she’d done. She’d killed a little girl in cold blood at point blank range. She wasn’t fit to even be near children, let alone have any of her own.

Her hand caressed her belly and her eyes dropped to it. She had the beginnings of a child growing inside her. A child Phil Coulson had helped create. Once upon a time conceiving a child with a man she loved would have made her happier than she could imagine. Now it was a different time, a different man, and she didn’t know what to feel other than fear and loathing.

~ TBC ~


	5. Chapter 5

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“So what do we tell the others?” They sat in Coulson’s office, the three of them, mostly silent for many minutes. 

Simmons cleared her throat and looked at him pointedly. “We could just tell them the truth.”

“No.” Both sets of eyes turned at May’s vehement declaration. “It’s personal and none of their business.”

“I’d say that’s not exactly true, as your condition prevents you from carrying out your usual duties, and you not being able to be out in the field puts them at risk.”

“They’re big kids, they’re going to have to learn to defend themselves someday anyway. I won’t be able to do this forever. Besides, I’ve taught Skye nearly everything I know and she has superhuman powers on top of that. If she can’t protect them out there, no one can.”

“You make some valid points and I am okay with keeping you on restricted duty until we’ve got this situation figured out, but that still doesn’t change the fact that they’re going to want to know why you can’t be out on field assignment. So we’re back at square one.”

Silence fell.

“I could leave.”

Coulson’s eyes shot her way. “No.”

“Why not? It’s the easiest way. Tell them I caught some sort of communicable virus or disease and I needed to be isolated. Voila, no more questions.”

“What about when you come back, especially once it’s obvious you’re pregnant?”

May met the other woman’s eyes. “Who says I’m coming back?”

“Okay, back up just a moment here. Gemma, would you give us a few moments please? I think we need to talk alone.”

Simmons stood. “As you wish.”

Coulson shimmied his chair forwards until he was right in front of May. “You want to leave?”

“What reason is there to stay if I can’t be a field operative? I’m useless here.”

“That’s bullshit and we both know it. You have twenty-five years of experience with Shield and your knowledge and skills in running missions from the base are invaluable. There’s plenty you can do besides being the team’s taxi driver and bodyguard.”

“What if I don’t want to? It would be easier for me not to be here.”

“You mean less embarrassing.” Her stare didn’t waver. “Eventually the truth would come out, May. You can’t hide a baby forever.”

“Simmons said the anti-rejection drugs might kill it. If there’s no baby then no one ever need know about it.”

He sat back and stared at her. “You don’t want this baby.”

“No, I don’t. You know the trauma I’ve been through, Phil. The last thing I would ever want now is to be a mother.”

The silence was suffocating. Coulson was almost afraid to break it. “You wouldn’t … would you?”

She didn’t need to ask what he meant. “Phil … “

“I can’t believe it. I won’t. You can’t just - “

“Can’t I? It’s my body.”

He stood up, body vibrating with anger, and walked away from her.

“Phil - “

He spun around. “May, please - “

“How am I supposed to deal with this?”

“You wouldn’t be doing it alone.” His voice softened and he began to walk back towards her. “I’ll be here with you. We can do this together. I know we can.”

“I … I … “ She stood stiffly. “I need some time to think about it. Can I have that?”

“Of course.” He stepped forward then stopped, seeing her stiffen up even more and make herself unapproachable. “You’ll just have to do it here. Simmons is going to want to keep a close eye on you.”

“So I’m a prisoner?”

“I’d prefer to think of it as a safe place where we can look after you. If you want to stay secluded for a couple of days to process everything that’s fine. I’ll tell them you’re still sick and that’ll keep people away.”

She swallowed hard. “Thank you.”

~ ~ ~ 

“I need to go off the base for a few hours.”

Skye eyed him carefully. “Okay, why?”

Coulson faced her, emotions carefully shuttered. “It’s personal. I’d like you to look after things while I’m gone.”

“Wow.” She crossed her arms over her chest. “It must be pretty important for you to leave Shield in _my_ hands.”

“Skye … Daisy … “ He huffed. “Can I just call you Skye? I know you’re going by Daisy now but I look at you and I think Skye.”

She nodded. 

“You are more than ready to handle the responsibility. I trust you’ll do the right thing if an emergency comes up while I’m gone. You’ve got Hunter and Mack for muscle, and FitzSimmons on the science end so you’ll be fine.”

“What about Bobbi?”

“She’s coming with me.”

“Oh?” It was truly amazing how much meaning she could imbue one word with.

“I need a pilot and she’s dying to get out of here, so a personal mission with no risk of potential combat is perfect.”

“Where are you going that you need to fly there?” she demanded, beginning to follow him as he turned and walked away.

Coulson smiled over his shoulder. “That’s personal too. Thanks for looking after the family while I’m gone.”

~ ~ ~ 

“Thanks for seeing me on such short notice.” Coulson shifted his weight back and forth.

“I figured it must be important for you to come all the way here.” Andrew gestured to the chairs in the ‘comfortable’ corner of his office.

“It is.” Coulson sat and looked around the room, eventually meeting the doctor’s eyes. “And it’s … “

“Personal,” Andrew finished for him. “And difficult for you to talk about. Don’t worry, you’ve come to the right place.”

“I’m still not entirely sure about that, but I needed to talk to someone and there really isn’t anyone else I can confide in.”

“Not even Melinda? She may not be much into talking but you mean a lot to her and I know she’d be willing to listen.”

“Yes she would.” Coulson nodded. “Problem is, this is about her.”

Andrew sat back and pressed his fingertips together, expression carefully guarded. “As always our sessions are confidential, so go ahead whenever you’re ready.”

~ ~ ~ 

“So you and May went on vacation together when she took her time off. I understand you two aren’t … “ Coulson paused, wishing he’d figured out how to put it delicately.

“You’re not here to talk about me.”

“Well actually - “ Coulson squirmed. “It’s somewhat germane to the point here. Are you two - “

“No. We thought of trying again, talked it through, and even spent a few weeks together to try it out but I think we both knew it wouldn’t work out so we decided to go our separate ways.”

Coulson let out a relieved breath. “Good.”

Andrew merely raised an eyebrow.

“Because you know I’d never want to come between you, and May wasn’t exactly clear on where you stand … “ He felt the flush creeping up his neck and knew the other man could see it. “Yes,” he nodded. “Yes, we’ve been sleeping together. Well not exactly sleeping, if you know what I mean,” he amended.

“I get the point,” Andrew said flatly. “You’re lovers.”

“Well yes, but without the love part. I mean, not without exactly, as we do care for one another a great deal - “

“Casual sex? Is that the deal? You want to know if my ex-wife has feelings for you or is just using you for sex? I have to say, that is a little awkward.”

Coulson sat back, frustrated. “No, that’s not it. I know it’s awkward and I’m sorry but there really isn’t anyone else I can talk to about this as it’s classified.”

Both of Andrew’s eyebrows lifted and he folded his hands in his lap. “Well now you’ve really got my attention. Spill it, Phil. Whatever it is, just say it, then we’ll deal with it.”

“May is pregnant.”

His eyes widened. “Excuse me?”

“I’m the father- don’t worry, DNA has proven that already. This situation would be tough enough for her to handle as it is without the added complication of the GH325 serum in my body.”

Understanding dawned on Andrew’s face. “Is the fetus - “

“Simmons says it’s too early to tell yet, but traces of the serum are in May’s bloodstream and her body is doing its level best to get rid of it.”

“She’s ill.” It wasn’t a question. “How ill?” Worry bloomed on Andrew’s face.

“Simmons is giving her anti-rejection drugs to combat the fever.”

“I’m not a specialist in that area but I have a definite feeling that won’t be good for the baby. I appreciate you telling me the situation Phil, but I’m not sure how I can help, if you’ve already got a qualified doctor treating her.”

“It’s more about her mental well-being. She doesn’t want it. She wants it to die.”

“I see.”

Coulson watched him for a long minute. “You’re not surprised.”

“Are you? You know what she went through in Bahrain.” Andrew swallowed hard, the only visible sign of emotion showing through the professional mask. “That’s partly why our marriage ended - she couldn’t face the thought of having a family after that.”

“I know. I know how damaged she was after.”

“What you didn’t know then was that she killed the girl. It wasn’t just watching her die and not being able to prevent it, it was actually having to pull the trigger that broke something in her.”

“Why didn’t she ever tell me? I mean I know she was closer to you than me, you being married and all - “

“I believe she was afraid.” Andrew shrugged. “She never told me why she omitted the details on the mission report, but I guessed it was because she was afraid.”

“Of me?” Coulson was genuinely astounded.

“Of what you would think of her.” Andrew paused. “She always thought very highly of you and your opinions mattered to her. A great deal. She couldn’t forgive herself for killing a child and I think she was afraid you wouldn’t be able to forgive her if you knew.”

“Melinda - “ Coulson shook his head.

“She does love you,” Andrew went on, voice quiet. “She’s always loved you. I knew that even when we were married. It was different than the way she loved me, but maybe now that enough time has passed and circumstances have changed … “ He left the thought unsaid. “You were like family to her back then. You and I were all she had and she was okay with that, being someone that needs few close ties. But what she suffered in Bahrain already cost her her relationship with me; I don’t think she could face losing you too and being truly alone.”

“I thought she was healing,” Coulson offered after a long pause, voice unusually quiet. “After the truth came out she seemed better. Less withdrawn. More so after coming back from her time away with you. I figured she was finally putting it behind her and moving on.”

“She’s trying, Phil. She really is, and it’s good to see. But this has got to be taking her right back there, reminding her of why she left me, why she decided she couldn’t ever have a family.”

“What do I do?” There was an uncharacteristic helplessness in Coulson’s face. “I don’t know how to get through to her.”

“I’m not sure I’m the right person to ask for help. A part of me has always regretted that I didn’t follow her when she left and try harder to get through to her.”

“You still love her?”

“You’d better believe it. I respect that what we had is over and she’s moved on - with you apparently - but I will always care for her and want her to be happy.”

“I want the same for her.”

Andrew sat back. “Good.Then whatever the situation ends up being, make sure Melinda will be happy with it. She’s suffered enough.”

~ ~ ~ 

She looked back at the base, only a tiny portion of which was visible above ground, and felt an unexpected sorrow begin to grow in her heart. It was home now, regardless of how homely it was. The place she’d begun to feel comfortable, with people she cared about.

May hoped she’d have enough time to disappear before they discovered she’d gone. Sneaking out past security hadn’t been hard, but though she’d told Simmons she didn’t want to be disturbed, she wouldn’t put it past the doctor to come check on her. Apologizing profusely for disturbing her rest, but still making sure she kept an eye on her patient.

And when Coulson came back from wherever he’d gone, he’d come straight to her. She knew that without a doubt, so she’d best be long gone before that happened.

Legs still feeling wobbly beneath her, she slung her pack over her shoulder and broke into a light jog.

~ TBC ~


	6. Chapter 6

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

“What do you mean she’s gone?”

Simmons trembled. Coulson’s voice was low and deadly and scared her more than his occasional shouting did. “She told me she was going to rest so I left her for a couple of hours. When I went to check on her … “ The doctor trailed off.

“Skye.” Coulson’s blank stare landed on her. “Tell me how she got out and where she’s headed.”

“I … I don’t know.”

“You don’t know.” His eyes narrowed. “You’re the tech wizard. Get me something.”

“I’ve checked all of the feeds.” She shrugged. “She must have disabled the system, at least one small part of it somewhere.”

“Without you knowing? I find that hard to believe. Aren’t there safeguards to let people know when the system’s been breached?”

“Well, yes, but that’s for people breaking in,” she said quietly. “Not to stop people from breaking out.” She crossed her arms over her chest and fixed him with an all-too familiar questioning stare. “And just why are we keeping May a prisoner here? Does she have bubonic plague or what?”

“It’s personal,” he said shortly “We have to find her. Comb through the footage again and get me _something_ to go on.”

He retired to his office to wait and think, and more importantly, to try to hide his anxiety. Skye could read him like a book so he had to stay away from her if he wanted to avoid being grilled and spilling the truth. 

This hadn’t been a spur of the moment plan. Leaving now might have been, but May hadn’t had the strength or the time to rig the security system without Skye’s knowledge in the time he’d been gone. It was something she’d done before and had just found opportune now. _She won’t do anything crazy._ He wanted to believe it. Oh how he wanted to believe it. _She just needs to get away. Space. Quiet. She just needs to be alone to contemplate the future._

But he didn’t really believe that. She desperately wanted not to be pregnant … would she do something drastic to achieve that goal? God, he hoped not. Besides there being potentially dangerous consequences to her, it would rend their precarious relationship beyond repair. Some betrayals were forgivable but others … 

~ ~ ~ 

She drove like a bat out of hell. Just inside the bounds of acceptable so as not to get stopped for speeding and reckless driving, but relentlessly and without pause. She had no clear destination in mind, only a desperate need to get as far away as possible. If only she could outrun her troubles so easily …

Soon she’d have to stop, if only for a bathroom break and maybe some water. Her stomach didn’t want food, the car didn’t need fuel, but a break would probably be a good idea soon. She signalled to change lanes several miles later when a rest stop came into view.

~ ~ ~ 

Skye’s comm crackled to life with Mack’s low voice. “I think I’ve got it.”

“Where are you?”

“Arboretum.”

She was already moving. “Be right there.”

Fifteen minutes later Coulson joined them and Skye launched into her explanation. “She got out through the air vent.”

Coulson eyeballed the duct cover on the ceiling. “That’s a small space and not all that easy to get to, but she could do it.”

“She could and did.” Fitz fiddled with his probe, sending one of them up to shine a light on the duct. “Ultra-violet light, tuned to pick up more than the usual spectrum. Agent May’s fingerprints are all over. Fresh too - maybe an hour or two old.”

“Good work. How did she do it without the cameras seeing?” He trailed off as his eyes scanned the room. “There are no cameras in here.”

“No.” Skye affirmed. “There’s one in the hallway twenty feet down. May rigged it with a short loop so we wouldn’t see her come this way. I almost didn’t catch the splice until I remembered - “ She stopped, face flushing pink.

“Remembered what?”

“May asked me how to do it when we were watching a guy do it in a movie one night a couple of months back. I thought she was just curious but it seems she took that knowledge and used it.”

“She’s a good agent. I’m not surprised she’d have created an emergency exit in case the base was taken again. One that doesn’t appear on any plans and that no one knows about but her.”

Coulson looked up, frowning slightly at the admiration in Mack’s voice. “She is, and that makes her all that much harder to find. Skye, anything else?”

“Given the exit she chose, I’m guessing she had a vehicle stashed somewhere nearby. I’m having the computer scan all traffic camera feeds to see if we can get a match and at least get a direction.” She shrugged. “Best I can do. You know her better than anyone. Where would she go?”

~ ~ ~ 

He almost laughed out loud, reflecting on Skye’s comment. He’d known Melinda May for twenty-five years; had been friends with her for most of those years, partners for many of them, and lovers for a short while, yet thinking about her now he realized he still hardly knew her at all. 

Where would she go? He really had no idea. But he knew who might. “Andrew,” he said quickly, as soon as the other man picked up.

“What’s happened?”

Coulson appreciated Garner’s ability to get right to the point. “She’s gone. Where would she go?”

There was a pause in which he could almost feel the other man’s hesitation. “The Catskills.” Andrew said slowly. “She loves the mountains. She’s got a cabin up there - I’ll send you the location.”

“Thank you.”

“Phil.” He paused. “Save her.”

“I will.” As he thrust the phone back into his pocket and headed for the hangar, Coulson thought on Garner’s request, knowing it was much more than just May’s physical well-being he had in mind.

~ ~ ~ 

May closed her eyes and let the sound of the wind whispering through the pines soothe her. She hadn’t known she was coming here but in retrospect it made a lot of sense. The wide open sky, the solitude with only the enigmatic pines for company, was the best place for her to think without all of the distractions life usually provided.

She tried to picture herself holding a baby. Kneeling on the ground playing with a toddler. Fastening a backpack on a young child about to head off to school for the first time.

She couldn’t do it. Visions of the warehouse and Katya advancing on her pushed it all away, those slim child’s arms reaching towards her with only death to offer. 

Tears slipped down her cheeks, tears of anger as much as grief. She’d been a monster and had taken away May’s hopes and dreams of a child’s outstretched arms waiting for a loving hug. Once upon a time physical contact had meant love, trust, comfort for her, whether it had come from Andrew or Phil. Then all of that had changed and she’d felt nothing but revulsion at their touch. It had taken seven long years to banish the hateful memories from her conscious mind, enough to enable her to touch and be touched again, but now those thoughts, those _feelings_ , were back with a vengeance and she could barely stand to even be in her own skin.

~ ~ ~ 

“We’ve got her,” Skye bubbled. “She’s definitely headed towards the mountains.”

“Good.” Coulson nodded. “Mack, get one of the ‘jets prepped. I want to be out of here in ten.”

“Yes sir.”

~ ~ ~ 

The phone in her pocket buzzed. She’d forgotten it was there. No sense in checking; it would be Coulson and she couldn’t talk to him, but she was too well-trained an agent to ignore an incoming message and involuntarily pulled the phone from her pocket to see. Three messages from Coulson’s cell in the last twenty minutes. She’d missed the first two, so lost in the memories she’d been. It buzzed again and May gritted her teeth but the picture that popped up on the screen wasn’t Phil’s this time.

Andrew.

She hit accept and put the phone to her ear, even as she told herself she shouldn’t. His low voice was tinged with worry. “Melinda.”

“Drew.” Her answer was barely a whisper.

After a substantial pause he continued. “Don’t do this. Let us help you this time.”

“I can’t.”

“Yes you can.” His professional voice was soothing and calming and she could feel it beginning to work on her. “I know this is hard for you Mel, but you have options. Phil loves you and he just wants to talk about those options. Don’t shut him out. Don’t shut us all out. We want to help you get through this.”

She didn’t bother asking how he knew; somewhere along the line she’d stopped being Phil’s confidante and he’d turned to Andrew instead. It didn’t matter. They wouldn’t understand. Couldn’t. None of them had been there and gone through what she had. None of them had been scarred by the monster-child the way she had and had to live with those consequences.

A gust of wind froze the silent tears streaming down her cheeks. “I can’t do this, Drew,” she whispered. “I just can’t.”

May disconnected the call and dropped her phone to the ground, continuing to head up the hill towards the precipice she knew was merely strides away.

~ ~ ~ 

“She’s here!” Coulson’s heart beat a mile a minute as he touched the warm hood on the car.

Skye raced into the cabin, fortunately unlocked, and returned less than a minute later. “She isn’t inside.”

Coulson did a three-sixty, then pointed at a winding path up the hill. “That way.”

“Are you sure?” Mack frowned. “Maybe she went this way.” He pointed at another path heading in the opposite direction.

“Take it.” Coulson’s voice was abrupt. “We’ll split up. Stay in touch.”

Skye nodded as she and Mack broke into a light jog.

~ ~ ~ 

May stood at the edge of the precipice, wondering if she was going to be able to find the courage to throw herself into it. She’d always been considered by her peers, herself, to be fearless, unafraid to die, but there was a vast difference between dying whilst trying to survive and take down the bad guys, and just plain giving up. Could she really live with herself knowing she’d given up without a fight?

She guessed she wouldn’t have to find out the answer to that particular question if she followed through … drawing in a deep breath she took another step forward.

“May! Wait!”

~ TBC ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this has taken so long! Life has gotten a little crazy lately and unfortunately the real-life angst hasn't translated itself into my story very easily. This chapter is a little shorter than the previous ones, but I thought it was time to post. :)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am SO sorry this has taken so long for me to get back to. I've had a lot of real-life angst happening lately (along with the angst on the show, holy hannah it hurts my May/Drew shipper heart!) but somehow it hasn't translated into angst-writing. I hope to get another chapter or two done before the Christmas holidays, but then I'll be off and about for a couple of weeks so there'll be another hiatus until early January. Thanks for sticking with me and for still caring about this story. Trust me, I really do and desperately want to finish it, so please continue to be patient and I promise I'll get there. (And yes, while I do 'ship May/Drew, I'm also a heavy Philinda shipper as well. What can I say, they both make me happy.) :)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

She knew it was him. Knew it before he even spoke, in the way that hair on the back of her neck stood up whenever he was near.

Beads of sweat begin to trickle down her spine though the air was chilled. She’d been off the medication long enough that the fever was beginning to return.

“May, please. Turn around. Look at me.”

She did as bidden slowly, holding back a gasp when she saw his face. There was a look of absolute terror in his eyes that she hadn’t seen since their early days together. The Sausalito mission, when he’d found her in the bay after she’d been missing for five hours. He might act nonchalant about it now and laugh when he told the story, but at the time he’d been terrified she was dead and the image his face in that moment had made on her had never left it. 

It almost hurt, seeing it again. Almost. But feelings, all feelings, couldn’t quite break through the barrier she’d encased herself in and it was merely a fleeting impression of sadness that creased her brow. She was numb now. There was no feeling.

“I can’t do this Phil,” she said calmly. “It’ll break me. There’s only one way this can end.”

“It’ll break _me_ to lose you forever, Melinda.” His voice was hoarse with unshed tears, dangerously close to cracking. “It broke something inside me - Andrew too - last time when you shut us out and wouldn’t let us help you. Please come back with us. We’ll figure it out. Together.”

She shook her head and took a step backwards. “I can’t.”

“Yes you can.” Coulson took two steps forward. “We need to try. You can’t just give up.”

The precipice was close. Just a couple more steps … the nothingness beckoned. Forcing herself to push the pain away was only going to delay the inevitable, she’d learned that now. There was only one way to end it permanently …

“Melinda, please.”

She shook her head and closed her eyes, letting the tears wet her eyelashes and spill down her cheeks. “Goodbye.”

Her body became weightless and then there was nothing - 

~ ~ ~ 

Coulson raced forward and caught her in his arms just before she hit the ground, kneeling with her body cradled against him. He looked up and met Mack’s eyes. “Good shot,” he managed to whisper.

Mack nodded, holstering his icer. “I’m glad we found her in time.” His eyebrows lifted as he looked beyond them to the chasm, several short steps behind.

Coulson sighed, touching May’s forehead. “She’s burning up. We need to get her back to the base now.”

Mack dropped into a squat, gathering May’s limp body into his arms. “Let’s go.”

Coulson stood. “Careful with her.” The big man glared down at him witheringly. “You’re not going to carry her all the way to the jet are you? That must be two miles.”

“She’s light.”

“Besides,” Skye put in, pointing at Mack’s arms. “Have you seen those biceps?” She gave a low whistle.

Coulson grunted. “Show off.”

“I don’t see you in the gym very often. Sir,” Mack added with a playful grin.

“I save the iron pumping for you folks,” Coulson said, with a sidelong glare at both of them. “Someone’s got to do the director-y things and I don’t see any of you volunteering.”

“Point taken.”

“Good.” Coulson pulled his cell phone out. “I need to make a couple of calls.”

~ ~ ~ 

“Thanks for coming.”

Andrew met Coulson’s eyes as they shook hands. “You’re welcome, but I’d be careful with those thanks yet. Melinda might not appreciate me being here.”

“I do. She needs to talk to someone and as her problems are rooted in what happened in Bahrain, you’re the best person for the job.”

“She never really talked about it much with me either, Phil.”

“That’s the problem isn’t it? It’s all still locked up inside her. Someone has to find a way to make her let go of it.”

“Not an easy task.”

Coulson sat beside May’s bedside, motioning Andrew to do the same. “Never said it would be. But if anyone can do it … “

Andrew pursed his lips, not looking entirely pleased at the praise. “How’s her fever?”

“Coming down again, thankfully.”

“And the baby?”

Simmons walked into the room, data pad in hand. “Doing just fine, near as I can tell. It has a normal heartbeat for a ten-week old fetus, and May’s bloodwork is normal as well. I mean, aside from the GH325 of course.”

“You are a marvel Gemma. I never knew you were so knowledgeable about babies.”

“I’m not.” She tapped the pad and smiled. “But I have plenty of resources.”

“When will she wake up?”

She checked her watch. “Should be within the hour.”

Coulson stood. “I have a few things I need to attend to.” His eyes fell on Andrew. “Can you stay here in case she wakes up? I don’t want her to be alone.”

“Of course.”

The room fell silent and remained so for nearly forty-five minutes. Andrew watched and heard May’s light, regular breaths, breathing a sigh of relief himself when the feverish cast to her face passed and it paled back to its normal colour. 

“Drew? Is that you or am I just dreaming?” 

Her eyes opened as he took her hand and squeezed gently. “Should I be worried or pleased that you still dream about me?”

A strange grimace crossed her face, as if she were trying to smile. “Why are you here?”

“Phil asked me to come.”

“For me?”

“As a therapist. Melinda, you need to talk about what’s happening to you.”

“I don’t like talking.”

“Yeah, I think anyone who’s ever had anything to do with you has figured that out. This isn’t like Bahrain though. You can’t just retreat back into yourself and pretend it isn’t happening.”

“I’m dealing with it,” she hissed through bared teeth.

“No you’re not. Suicide it not dealing, it’s avoidance. Permanent avoidance.”

“What makes you think I was planning on suicide?”

“After what you told Phil, the conversation you had with me, them finding you at the edge of a chasm … give me some credit, Melinda. I can put the pieces together."

She sank back into the pillow and stopped trying to pull her hand away. “I just want to be left alone.”

“Sorry, no can do.”

She sighed loudly. “Can we just not talk then?”

Andrew pulled his hand away and sat back, settling in for the long haul. “I can do that. Let me know when you are in the mood to talk. I’m not going anywhere.”

~ ~ ~ 

“How am I supposed to do this?”

Andrew’s eyes opened some time later to find May’s sharply focused on him. He suppressed a wince at the naked pain in them. “Do … “

“Have a baby.”

“The same way other women do, I would imagine. I’m told it’s exceptionally painful but very soon after you forget the pain and just focus on the reward.”

“I don’t need your sarcasm.”

“Then ask me the right question.”

“They consider you a _good_ therapist?”

HIs face remained impassive. “Working your way to the truth of what’s bothering people isn’t always easy and I don’t always have the luxury of being kind. I decide, based on the patient’s personality, which approach to take, and knowing you, I know being direct and perhaps a little bit harsh is the only way to get results. You hide behind walls better than anyone I’ve ever known and I have to be a little unkind to knock those walls down.” Sadness darkened his face. “I wish I wouldn’t have tried to be so kind and understanding after Bahrain. I might have been able to get through to you and help you get through it so we wouldn’t be doing this now.”

“If you had, we wouldn’t be here now. In this situation. We’d have stayed together.”

“I wish to god we had.” He reined himself in with an effort, knowing this line of conversation wasn’t going to get them anywhere. “But we can’t change the past and all I want now is to see you happy again.”

May’s eyes dropped to the blanket. “I don’t know how to be happy.”

He reached out and closed a hand over one of hers. “You used to know, Melinda. You used to be happy once. You just have to let yourself find that place again. I’m not saying you forget about the bad things that happen; I think as human beings we’re incapable of that. But if we accept them and not let them rule us, we can spend more time focusing on the good things that do make us happy. Can you think of something in your recent memory that made you feel the kind of happiness you used to know?”

May closed her eyes and was silent a long moment. When she spoke, her voice was barely a whisper. “When Fury told me Phil was still alive.”

“You love him.” His voice was matter-of-fact. “He’s always been important to you.”

“Yes.”

“Losing him, hearing he was dead, cut you deeply.”

“Yes.”

“Focus on that feeling, Melinda. Having your closest friend back. Seeing him again for the first time after you thought you’d lost him forever. Hold onto that happiness.”

She opened her eyes and met his. “How can I forget what I did in Bahrain? I don't deserve to have children. I’m a monster, Drew.”

“No you aren’t. Monsters are people who kill for sport or for their own personal gain. You did what you did to save yourself and your people. One life sacrificed to save many. _She_ was the monster, Melinda. _She_ needed to be stopped.” He squeezed her hand. “You just have to look at the past with an objective eye. Push the emotions aside. How would you feel about it if it had been someone else who’d been in there and pulled the trigger, not you?”

“But it was me.”

“Take yourself out of it. Imagine it was Phil. Would you think him a monster for what he did? It was the right call to make and anyone else would have made the same one. It just sucks that it was you - someone who cared so deeply for children and wanted her own.”

The time she squeezed his hand. “I did. I wanted a family as much as you did.”

“I know, Mel. I know,” he said gently. “It was the worst possible timing, with us just trying to get that family started. But it wasn’t meant to be for us, and now things are different. From what I can see, Phil wants this baby as much as I would have had it worked out for us all those years ago. You know you won’t be dealing with it alone. He’ll be there for you, come hell or high water. That’s who you both are, what you both do. You look out for each other and help each other through the tough times. I know this definitely qualifies as one of the toughest, but you know you can’t shut him out now, not when something so important is at stake.”

“I know,” she whispered. “I wish I didn't feel so …”

“Whatever it is you’re feeling, it’s okay to feel it. Whenever we lose something we need to grieve its loss.” He squeezed her hand gently. “I suspect you never grieved after Bahrain, yet you lost so much, Melinda. You need to grieve for yourself, for us, for the family we never had … even for the girl and her mother. Loss of life is a painful thing, and maybe you need to come to terms with it and grieve before you can be ready to accept another life coming to you.”

Her eyes filled with tears. “Drew … “

He moved to sit on the edge of the bed, gathering her into his arms as she reached for him. “It’s okay to cry. No one will think less of you if you do.” He held her close and stroked her back as the tears fell. “It’s okay to let it out. I’m here for you. Let it all go.”

~ TBC ~


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I heartily apologize for the long delay between chapters. I had fully intended to get this chapter up before Christmas holidays began but somehow time got away from me. Since coming back I just haven't managed to get myself back into this story until recently, but now that I'm there I should be updating regularly again. Thanks for being so patient and I hope you enjoy the rest of the story. :)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

He watched as she wiped her eyes and blew her nose, wanting to hold her close but knowing he’d done enough already by getting her to cry. Andrew was proud of that accomplishment; Melinda rarely let her naked emotions rule her, particularly sorrow, and by managing to help her open enough to let the pain out he’d done what Phil had called on him to do. Pushing himself closer to her might undo that and cause friction in their relationship. She was Phil’s now. His to have and hold and try to fix, good luck to the man.

Her voice, when she finally spoke again was quiet but held strength. “What if the baby’s … not normal? _Alien_?”

“What if it is?” he countered. “Phil has alien DNA in him - has had since Fury brought him back from the dead. You have no problem with him being different do you? What about Skye? Daisy, I mean. She’s one of the Inhumans - humans with previously dormant alien DNA. You don’t care for her any less because she’s not completely human, do you?”

Her eyes flashed. “Of course not.”

He felt an inward stab of satisfaction that fear and self-loathing had given way to anger. “How could you possibly love your own child any less, no matter what its genetic makeup? Melinda, you are capable of a deep and strong love - I know this personally, and being on the receiving end of it is such a gift.” Andrew’s face mirrored May’s as it softened. “You’ve kept yourself so closed these last seven years but now you have reasons to open up and let yourself love again. Don’t run away from it. I don’t know Phil as well as I know you, for obvious reasons, but I believe he’s the kind of man who’s capable of the same kind of deep and steadfast love as you. He’s always loved you in his own way, same as you’ve always loved him. That love may be changing in shape and depth now but you have to let it change and grow. If you let it, you’ll remember how to be happy again. With him.”

May reached out and took his hand in hers, feeling the familiar warmth of it. “When did you get to be so wise?”

“I’ve always been wise,” he answered with a teasing smile. “You just never noticed ‘cause you were too busy working.”

Her smile dropped away. “That was my bad.”

Now it was his turn to squeeze. “I’m teasing, Mel. We had a good life together. We loved each other and we both loved our work. We had a good balance between them. I’ve never regretted a moment we spent together.”

“Me neither. I’m just sorry it ended the way it did and that I hurt you so much.”

“You were hurting too.” Andrew shrugged. “I always knew you were hurting and that you didn’t mean it. We’ve moved past it now and made new lives for ourselves.”

“Tell me about yours,” she prompted. 

The door opened and Coulson walked in. A relieved smile brightened his eyes and he swallowed involuntarily. “May, you’re awake.”

Andrew met his eyes then looked back at May. “I’ll leave you two alone. The story of my life can wait for another day.”

“When do you need to be back?” Coulson asked him. 

“Ideally tonight. I have sessions in the morning.”

“I’ll have Bobbi take you when she can.”

“Thank you.” Andrew nodded. “I’ll go catch up with Gemma while I wait. Two scientists can always find things to talk about.”

Coulson sat gingerly on the edge of the bed. “How are you feeling?”

“Slightly more sympathetic to the people I’ve used the Icer on. It leaves a nasty headache.” May wiped her cheeks dry.

Coulson pretended not to notice. “I’m sorry we had to use it on you.”

“That was my own fault.” Her head tilted downwards and her eyes dropped to the bedclothes. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry.” He took one of her hands between his two, barely registering the difference each felt. “Okay, you can be sorry you scared me to death - I swear you took ten years off my life so you’re going to have to deal with it when I kick off before you.” He paused, feeling a warmth flow through him as her eyes raised to meet his own. “But don’t be sorry for how you feel. It’s okay to have feelings, May. We both try so hard to keep them in and control them that sometimes we forget it’s okay to have them and let them out.”

Her eyes shimmered with new tears. “I’m scared.”

She mouthed the words more than said them and he knew how difficult it was for her even to go that far. “Me too.” Coulson moved closer to her and gathered her in his arms. “It’s okay. We’ll get through this together. Whatever comes.”

“Together,” she whispered in his ear.

His arms tightened around her. “Always.”

~ ~ ~ 

“So does anybody know what’s going on?” Hunter’s eyes scanned the room. “Skye? Mack? You went with Coulson. What happened?”

“We went to retrieve Agent May,” Mack said. “She wasn’t exactly cooperative so I had to ice her.”

“Really? Things are really getting interesting around here.”

“Well I think it’s fair to assume there’s something going on between the two of them,” Skye put in.

Bobbi, sitting beside Hunter, nodded. “Most definitely.”

His head swivelled to face her. “Really? You mean like a relationship thing?”

Skye nodded slowly. “It’s obvious. Maybe even a sex thing.”

He covered his eyes. “God, I don’t need that mental picture in my head.”

Skye chuckled. “I know. It’s like imagining mom and dad … “

Mack shuddered. “Please don’t finish that sentence.”

“Yes, please don’t,” Hunter echoed. “How did you figure it out?”

“You haven’t noticed? They’ve been treating each other differently lately.”

“Really? I never noticed anything.”

“Surprise,” Bobbi muttered. “You’re not exactly a master of the obvious.”

“Hey!”

“It’s true, man.”

Hunter’s eyes slitted as they stared at the big man opposite him. “So much for the guys sticking together.” A thought struck him and his face turned thoughtful. “So when Bobb and I are … is it … “

Mack and Skye nodded together. “Uh huh.”

Lincoln walked into the room and sat down beside Skye. “What am I missing?”

“Hunter’s just getting a lesson in Shield family dynamics. He’s just learned that mom and dad are having sex.”

“Oh, you mean Agents Coulson and May? Yeah, that’s pretty obvious.”

Bobbi held out her hands. “See?”

Hunter huffed. “You just love getting to say ‘I told you so’ to me, don’t you?”

“I really do. Does that make me a bad person?” she smirked. 

“Not even a little bit,” Mack deadpanned. “We all enjoy it.”

Hunter leaned back into the couch, crossing his arms over his chest. “Traitor.”

~ ~ ~ 

“It was nice seeing you again, Gemma.”

She smiled up at him. “You too, Dr Garner.”

“Andrew, please. No need to be so formal.”

“Andrew it is then.”

“Good.” Without dropping the smile from his face, his eyes turned serious. “Take good care of Melinda. Please. She means a lot to me.”

“To all of us.” Simmons gathered up her clipboard full of notes and set them straight on the edge of the desk. “I don’t know what we’d do without her.”

“You’d survive.” Silence fell for a moment. “I did.”

“It wasn’t easy for you.” It was as much a question as an observation.

“No, it wasn’t. I loved her.”

“And you had to let her go.”

“Yes I did.” Sadness shadowed his face. “It was what she needed.”

Simmons’ eyes crinkled as she frowned. “What about what you needed? Isn’t marriage supposed to be a partnership? Fifty-fifty?”

“Most of the time it is, or at least it was with us anyway, but when there’s a crisis sometimes one partner’s needs outweigh the others’.”

“You’re a very generous soul.” She pondered on that a moment, the frown coming back. “So is Agent Coulson. I wonder what it is about her that attracts men like you? I mean, she’s all badass and sullen and avoids people like she hates the entire species, yet nice guys like you fall in love with her. Why is that?”

Andrew shrugged but his eyes twinkled with humour. “And there you’ve just enumerated the mystery of the human heart - why it is one person is attracted to another. If you could solve that and bottle it to sell you’d be a very rich woman.”

She laughed. “I do see why May likes you.”

He dipped his head jauntily in a mock bow. “Thank you.”

Bobbi joined them, eyes darting from one to the other. “Sorry to interrupt but Coulson asked me to take you home now.”

“Lead on. Goodbye Gemma. Remember what I asked of you.”

“I will. Goodbye Andrew. I hope we see you again soon.”

~ ~ ~ 

“It’s a fairly short hop home. Under an hour.”

“But a nine to ten hour drive. I like having a private jet to travel with. How can I get one of these for myself?”

Bobbi smiled at his teasing. “We all wish they belonged to us and we could just use them at will. I think if one can say they belong to anyone around here, they’re May’s. She’s as protective of them as if they were her own children.”

“She’ll make a good mother, even though she doesn’t know it yet,” he murmured.

“I beg your pardon?” Her eyes widened as she turned to face him.

“Did I say that out loud?”

“Just barely. Is May … “

He nodded slowly. “I’m not supposed to say anything but as you’re spies and eventually the secret isn’t going to be hers to keep any longer … just don’t tell anyone I spilled it.”

Bobbi let out a low whistle. “I won’t. That explains some things. A lot of things, actually. It makes everything that’s happened lately make sense.”

“You knew about Phil and Melinda?”

“Yes. Well no, not officially, but like you said, we’re spies. Observing people is what we do. They think they’re keeping it a secret but everyone figured it out. Well everyone but my knucklehead ex.” She shook her head. “He’s so unobservant it’s painful.”

“I gather he’s not Shield trained.”

“Definitely not. He’s got his own useful skill set and can be good in a fight but he’s definitely not Shield.”

Andrew nodded. “That’s probably a good thing. It’s good to have someone that sees things with a different filter.”

“It’s nearly gotten him killed a few times … and I don’t mean on missions. May’s nearly ripped his head off so many times I think he must be a cat with nine lives.”

He laughed. “That doesn’t surprise me. She doesn’t have a lot of patience.”

“You know her pretty well.” She glanced at him shrewdly. “That’s why Coulson had you come to talk to her.”

He nodded. “Being a clinical psychologist didn’t hurt either. Talking to people is what I do. He figured maybe I could help her deal with her demons from the past - it’s hard for her because of Bahrain.”

“I understand. I hope you were able to help. It hurts to see a friend suffering when there’s nothing you can do.”

“I hope I helped a little. Now it’s your turn - all of you. You’re her family now. You’ll need to be there for her and help her get through this.”

“Of course we will.”

“Thank you.”

~ ~ ~ 

“Now that you’re back on the anti-rejection drugs your body’s vitals have come back to somewhere near normal.”

May glanced up at Simmons. “Good.”

“How do you feel?”

She didn’t answer.

“I know you’re not really the sharing type and I respect that you don’t want to talk to me about it, but I need some feedback _medically_ in order to properly care for you.”

May glared at her but the young scientist’s blue eyes never wavered as she held her ground.

“Fine. I could tell you more accurately if you’d let me leave the lab and go about my normal life. It’s easy to feel fine when you’re doing nothing.”

“Okay I can agree to that, except … no field work. I can’t clear you for that yet.”

“I can get back to training?”

Simmons nodded. “Listen to your body and don’t push too hard. If you feel anything unusual at all let me know immediately. Understood?”

“Yes ma’am.” May hopped off the table and left without a backward glance.

**~ TBC ~**


	9. Chapter 9

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A light tap at the door before it swung partway open drew his attention away from the file he wasn’t really reading. 

“Yes?” Coulson’s eyes swivelled over to the clock on the night table. It was late - later than he expected company, until May’s dark head poked around the door. “Come in.”

She did, closing the door behind her.

He dropped the papers down beside him. “I wasn’t sure you’d come tonight, given everything that’s happened … “

He trailed off and sat completely still as she kicked off her shoes and came straight for him, climbing onto the bed and sitting cross-legged in front of him. As was customary for her she didn’t say much, and when she did she got straight to the point without preamble. “I’m not here for sex.”

“Oh?” He could think of nothing else to say. Their eyes met and in hers he could see all the confusion, fear and hesitation she normally masked so well. 

“I don’t think I should be alone tonight.”

No words could express how he felt at her admission. After a very long moment he smiled tentatively. “Did you bring your pajamas?”

She began peeling off layers until she was dressed only in a bra and panties, then pulled back the covers and climbed into his bed.

“Okay then … I guess I’ll just get ready.” He pointed at the bathroom somewhat awkwardly and wandered over without looking back. When he emerged some five minutes later, washed, brushed, and in boxers and a tee, she was still there. Coulson’s breath caught in his throat at the sight of her lying in his bed with her dark hair fanned out across his pillow. He’d half expected her to disappear while he was in the bathroom, or perhaps the he’d have woken from the dream he was sure he was having, bed untouched. He felt beyond grateful to be wrong in both cases. 

He crawled into bed gingerly, taking the opposite side and carefully making sure there was a space between them so as not to crowd her. He needn’t have worried as as soon as he’d stilled she moved until she was right up against him. They were on untested ground already but Coulson was willing to advance it some more so he lifted the arm closest to her, issuing the unspoken invitation for her to move in closer. She took it and lay her head on his chest, curling her body up against him as his arm closed over her. His other arm joined it, fingers lightly splaying across her hair. They lay in silence and though Coulson felt the words unspoken between them, he didn’t push her to talk.

“I’m glad you came,” he whispered. She didn’t have to answer for him to know she felt the same way so it surprised him when her answering whisper broke the silence that had fallen again.

“Me too.”

~ ~ ~ 

Two weeks had passed, every night spent in Coulson’s bed in much the same way. Sometimes they had sex, sometimes they didn’t. Sometimes nausea interrupted their sleep driving her to the bathroom repeatedly, and sometimes the nights were calm and uneventful, but all of the nights had them sleeping together.

May had all-but forgotten what it felt like to share an intimate space with someone that way. Seven years had passed since her marriage to Andrew had dissolved and though she’d taken a couple of lovers since then, she hadn’t been willing to share more than sex with them. The first couple of nights were awkward, for both of them she suspected, though Phil had said nothing to make her feel unwelcome, but it had become almost comforting for her now, knowing there was someone there. When she woke from the nightmares that still plagued her, she looked over at his still body, chest rising and falling evenly, and knew she wasn’t alone. 

In the mornings she moved quietly out of bed and through her tai chi routine before leaving the room, putting her in a good headspace for her sessions in the gym with Bobbi and Skye. Simmons had elected to start joining them as well and though May knew it was mainly to keep an eye on her, she applauded the woman’s decision to bolster her general fitness level and self-defence skills. Though her expertise was in the lab, field work was often required and an agent who couldn’t be relied upon to defend him or herself was a liability to the rest of the team and an extra burden to the team’s leader. 

Who was, now, more often than not, Skye. She and Mack had formed a good partnership, not unlike the one she herself and Phil had had years ago, and could be counted on to get the job done. Despite her protege's superhuman abilities, May still worried about her. Was this what it was like having a child? Someone you were responsible for and worried about every time they were out of your sight? Of course it was. 

Phil worried about her too, May knew. He put on a good front for the others but she knew him better than anyone and deep down he felt the same way she did: Skye could take care of herself but they both worried lest she not come back from a mission one day.

In a way they were like her parents, though adopting a fully-grown woman and training her to be a warrior was infinitely different than giving birth to a child and spending twenty years raising it. But they did have that commonality already, caring for another life and figuring out how to mold and shape it.

May pressed a hand to her belly, still flat at twelve weeks gestation, and felt a glimmer of hope for the future.

~ ~ ~ 

“You’re doing remarkably well.”

“Hmm.”

Simmons gave May _The Look._ “Always with the helpful feedback.”

“That was a statement. It doesn’t require an answer.”

“It’s called conversation. You may have heard of it?“

Coulson, entering the lab in that moment, chuckled. “May saves that only for special occasions.”

May threw him a scowl, minus the grunt this time. “So ask me a question and I’ll answer.”

“How do you feel?”

“Fine.”

“Feverish at all?”

“No.”

“Are you able to keep up with your normal daily schedule now?”

“Yes.”

Coulson watched them with some amusement. “Try asking questions that require more than a yes or no answer, Gemma.”

“Have you had any more nausea since I saw you last?”

“No.”

“When was the last time?”

“Three days ago, I think. I feel completely normal now. Ready to get back to work.” May’s eyes lifted over Simmons’s bent head to meet Coulson’s.

Simmons looked back over her shoulder. “Well I’d like to run just a few more tests but what I’m seeing now looks promising. If the rest look good then I think I can give field work a thumbs up.”

“Good.” May’s face relaxed into something that was almost a smile.

“The Director has to approve it as well,” Coulson put in.

“He damn well better or I’ll kick his ass.”

“Can we have a few moments alone, please?”

Simmons glanced back and forth between them, seeing the storm brewing, and took a few steps backward towards the door. “Of course. I’ll just be … back in a few minutes.”

May waited until the door had closed fully and they couldn’t be overheard. “Don’t even start, Phil. Just don’t.”

“I have to consider it.”

“If it was any other agent you’d allow it. You have done, remember Shauna Ominski? You let her do field work until she was nearly eight months along.”

“She wasn't a specialist and didn’t have to do what you do.”

“No, and I wouldn’t expect to be out there by then either. Eventually the physicality of what I do will be limited and I’ll be off field work but right now I’m as fit and able as I ever was. You can’t deny that you need me out there.”

Coulson sighed. “No I can’t, but I don’t want you out there.”

“That’s for personal reasons, not physical.”

“You’re absolutely right. You’re carrying my child Melinda, and every time you go out there you’ll be risking both of your lives. I don’t know if I can face losing you now.”

“I’ll be careful and let Mack and Skye take the lead.”

“Daisy,” he murmured absently, as she spoke.

“She’s ready for it.”

“I know she is,” he agreed. “I worry about her too. About all of them.”

Her face gentled. “It’s what makes you who you are. You care.”

He took a step forward. “About you most of all.”

Impulsively she reached out a hand and touched his cheek. “I know.”

It was a long moment before he spoke again. “Okay you can go back into the field if Simmons okays it, but - “ he added forcefully, “only under two conditions. One, you agree to let someone else take the lead and only be there for backup - “

May nodded.

“And two, we tell everyone what the situation is. Now. Before you go out there. They need to know what they’re dealing with and understand that you’re not going to be able to do what you did before, and that they’ll need to do most of the heavy lifting from now on. Your job will be more supervisory.”

He saw the argument in her eyes but also the acceptance of it. “Fine.” She hopped off the bed. “But you get to do the telling. I’m not saying a word.”

“Always the strong, silent type,” he teased, eyes twinkling as they began to walk together.

“Agent May. I do believe you’re not done here.”

May huffed at the sound of Simmons’ voice behind them. “Right, more needles.” She moved back to the bed and hopped on. “Prick away.”

Coulson smiled sympathetically. “I think I’ll go break the news now. Might be easier if you’re not standing right there.”

“Infinitely.”

~ TBC ~


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My apologies for not updating this sooner. I have been working on a resume and job hunting lately -- a very daunting task after having not worked outside my home in 16 years. I'm sorry it's taken up all of my time the last few weeks - hopefully it won't take all of my time in the coming weeks. 
> 
> Enjoy this chapter if you're still reading, and enjoy the return of AoS tomorrow. I can't wait!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“So just a final word - “ Coulson took a deep breath “ - you all know how May is. She’s a very private person and won’t appreciate you asking questions or prying into her business. Just try to treat her normally and if you want to talk about anything come to me.” He appreciated the many nods, being reminded again how lucky he was to be working with this group of people. “Now let’s all get back to work. Skye, I mean Daisy, a word?”

She and Lincoln exchanged a quick glance that didn’t go unnoticed by their boss. 

“What’d you do to get yourself into trouble this time?” Lincoln teased.

She threw him a frown as she walked towards Coulson. 

“Let’s head to my office.”

She turned to face him once they arrived, ready to tackle whatever it was head-on. Not unlike her mentor, he thought, with a fleeting grin. May had had her moments of needing to hide from the emotional pain thrust upon her, but in general she tended to prefer being forthright and facing problems without flinching. 

“Okay, what is it that needs privacy? Did I screw something up?”

He shook his head. “On the contrary. You’re doing great. Really. That’s why we’re here.” She cocked a questioning eyebrow. “May is likely to be cleared for field duty but only restricted field duty. I don’t want her on the front lines which means I need someone else to be in charge and run point on all field ops. I’d like that person to be you.”

“Me?” Her surprise was genuine. She shook her head. “I’m still new at this and I’m sure there’s someone else with more experience … “

“You,” he interrupted firmly.

“Bobbi could do it … “

“Perhaps, but I’ve made my decision.”

She stared him down. “What if I’m not ready?”

“You are.”

“Ask May. She’ll tell you I’m … “

Again he interrupted. “It was her idea, actually.”

Skye’s eyes widened and in them he saw pride and pleasure along with surprise. “Really? She thinks I’m ready for this?”

“Is that so surprising?” His voice gentled, as it so often did when he dealt with her. “You’ve taken in everything we’ve taught you and have shown you can use it wisely. Yes, you’re headstrong and sometimes impatient but so was your mentor when she first started out.”

“May was impatient?” She was dumbstruck.

Coulson smiled. “Hard to believe, knowing her now, but trust me. I was her partner then and many times I had to be the one to hold her back. She had good instincts as you do, and just needed to learn through making mistakes and having a partner help her discover when not to make them. We all learn that way Skye, and in Mack you have someone steady and reliable to be your other half and remind you when you need to think twice.” He stopped to breathe. “I trust you can do this.” He put a hand on her shoulder. “Do you trust yourself?”

Wordlessly she nodded, then threw her arms around him impulsively and hugged him in a bone-crushing embrace. “Thank you,” she whispered.

“Thank yourself. You’re the one who worked to earn it. I knew you could but you had to believe it yourself.”

As they pulled apart a quizzical look crossed Skye’s face. “Can I ask you something?”

“If I said no would that stop you?” HIs eyes twinkled. “It never has before.”

“Why didn’t you assign May to be my SO right from the beginning if you knew we were similar and would work well together? Why give the job to Ward?”

“May didn’t want it,” he confessed bluntly. “I would have preferred it that way but she was still in a difficult place from Bahrain and she made it clear when I asked her to join the team exactly where her duties would begin and end.”

“And you were okay with that?”

“I had to be.” He shrugged half-heartedly. “I wanted to work with her again and I knew she needed the right assignment to be pulled out of her self-imposed exile. I didn’t want to push her and risk her leaving the team. We needed her.”

“ _You_ needed her, you mean.”

“Both. You have to understand that whatever we are to each other now, we’ve always had a special connection. Not all people who work together become friends. We were friends. Close friends, in a platonic way. It hurt me to see what happened to her as a result of her encounter with Inhumans in Bahrain, probably as much as it hurt her to hear I’d died. Having pulled her out of that dead-end basement job to be out in the field with me was victory enough. She needed time and I was willing to give it to her, so I didn’t push her into doing something she wasn’t ready for.”

“I guess after the whole Hydra thing and Ward’s betrayal you didn’t have much choice.”

“Not really, but by then she’d loosened up some and was already warming to you, so I knew she’d do it.”

“Warming to me? Wow, if you consider that ‘warming’ I’d hate to see what she’s like with people she hates.”

“Yes you would. She can be very frightening.”

Skye chuckled. “You’re not scared of her.”

He returned her smile. “She doesn’t hate me. But she might start if I don’t get down to the lab and make sure Simmons clears her to work again.”

“Off you go then. Oh and by the way … congratulations. I know this wasn’t something you’d planned on, but I think you guys are going to be good parents.”

“Thanks. I hope you’re right.”

~ ~ ~ 

May walked down the jet’s ramp after everyone else, feeling surprisingly satisfied despite the little she’d done on the mission. Coulson was greeting them all one by one at the bottom, sharing a few words with each of them, as was his way. When it was her turn she saw the relief in his eyes along with the smile. 

“Everything okay?”

“Great.”

He turned and began walking with her. “How come I can’t tell if you’re being sarcastic? Really, was everything okay?”

“Fine. It was good … being out there again. Flying. I’ve missed it.”

He smiled sympathetically and May felt a flutter in her stomach.

“I’ll bet. I’m sorry we kept you cooped up here for so long. Still, I need you to be extra careful out there.”

“Apology accepted, now can we get the debrief over with? I’m hungry.”

“Good.” 

He smiled at her as they walked, not quite touching, and she felt that flutter again. _I’d forgotten how it feels to be in love,_ she thought, glancing over at him surreptitiously, then quickly away again. _It’s not an entirely unpleasant feeling._

Sitting around the desk with everyone discussing the mission and its repercussions, made things feel a little bit more normal. Physically, she felt fine, and being part of the team again made her almost able to forget that she was pregnant, carrying a baby with alien genes, and that her life and the lives of everyone around her were about to change irrevocably. 

“May, what do you think?”

She’d only been listening with half her mind but that half had been paying sharp attention. “Two teams. One on the ground, one in the air.”

“Do you really think we need the second team?” Lincoln asked. “We should be able to handle anything that comes our way.” His almost imperceptible nod included Skye, beside him, and May knew exactly what he wasn’t saying. 

“Yes I do. You’re good but we’ve learned the hard way that Inhumans can be difficult to catch if they don’t want to be caught. It’s always better to have a second team at the ready in case they’re needed. If not, what have we lost? A few hours of jet fuel. That’s not worth someone’s life if things go sideways.”

“She’s right,” Mack agreed. “We’re not so swamped that we can’t spare a couple of people.” He looked at Coulson who gave a sharp nod.

“Daisy, do we have eyes and ears on him?”

“Of course.” Her response was almost scornful. “We’ll know the moment he does anything out of the ordinary.”

“Coordinate the mission details now and be ready to go at a moment’s notice, but if all is quiet we’ll wait until 0600 to execute. Good job today everyone. Get something to eat and some rest. I fear tomorrow is going to be a long day.”

~ ~ ~

Coulson re-entered the bedroom after readying for bed to find May sitting cross-legged in the middle of it, a funny look on her normally stoic face. “What is it? Is something wrong?” He strode towards her but relief slowed his steps when she shook her head.

“No. My stomach feels funny.”

“Nauseous?”

“No, just fluttery. Jumpy. Like I’m nervous.”

He sat facing her. “Are you?”

“Of course not. I’m never nervous before a mission.” Her look was definitely scornful.

“Hmm.” He stood and continued dressing for bed, pulling on boxers but leaving his chest bare. It had taken some time but he felt almost unselfconscious about letting her see the jagged scar that decorated his chest and back. He wished he could feel as unselfconscious about his stump but that was going to take more time.

Pulling the covers back, he began to crawl into bed. “Come on, let’s get some sleep. We’ve an early start tomorrow.”

Wordlessly she followed his lead, lying facing away from him and allowing him to nestle up against her, his arm thrown over her hip, good hand resting on her belly. They lay together in comfortable silence for quite some time, each awake and knowing the other was as well but not wanting to intrude on private thoughts.

Eventually Coulson could keep silent no longer. “Melinda,” he whispered.

“Hmm.”

“Is your stomach still feeling jumpy?”

“Yes.”

“It’s not nerves.”

“How do you know that?

He pressed his hand more firmly against her belly. “Because I can feel it too. It’s the baby. It’s moving.”

She rolled over to face him. He took her hand and held it where his had been.

“I don’t feel anything.”

“Just wait. It’s intermittent and very faint.”

A minute later her eyes opened wide. “Oh.”

“You feel it?”

May nodded slowly.

“That’s our baby.” HIs eyes shone, even in the darkness. “It’s alive and it’s ours. Yours and mine. It’s amazing.”

Her voice, when she spoke, was faint and slightly tremulous. “It’s terrifying.”

“It’s terrifyingly amazing.”

The frown turned to almost a smile, which was what he’d intended. “Remember we’re together in this. You’re not alone.” He pressed his lips to her forehead. “It’s okay to be scared.”

She snuggled up against him silently, tucking her head into his neck. Coulson held her close and stroked her hair until her deep, even breathing told him she’d finally fallen asleep. He marveled, as always, that this strong-willed, self-sufficient woman who kicked ass better than anyone he knew, allowed herself to be vulnerable with him and show him her insecurities. It was a level of trust they’d never had before, despite their lengthy friendship, and one he knew she no longer shared with anyone else. He felt privileged and vowed once again to live up to that trust.

She shifted in her sleep and rolled over again, bringing them back into spooning position, and Coulson took full advantage of it, sliding his arm around her again and closing his eyes as the light flutters in her belly tickled his fingers.

~ TBC ~


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again apologies for taking so long to get this up. I hope it's worth the wait. It's a slightly shorter chapter than usual, but I figured posting it now would be better than waiting until the middle of next week, as the Easter weekend is a busy one for me.
> 
> Enjoy!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

“Eighteen weeks.” Simmons make a tick on her calendar. “You’re almost halfway there.” She smiled encouragingly at May who scowled in return.

“How many weeks is it altogether?”

“Forty.”

“Forty? God.” May sighed heavily.

“You’ll make it through. Everyone does.”

May arched an eyebrow. “Are you sure?”

“The human race would have died out by now if that weren’t the case,” Simmons said matter-of-factly but May was sure there was a hint of teasing in there somewhere. “Now for the good part of the checkup; the talking part.”

“That’s the _good_ part?”

Now it was Simmons’ turn to arch her eyebrows. “Beats being poked in your private areas with cold, metal objects, doesn’t it?”

May had to concede that one. The physical invasion of her body on a regular basis was something she was sure she was never going to get used to. “Point.”

“So how do you feel, Agent May?”

“Tired. Hungry. Crabby. In that order usually.”

“Are you sleeping well at night?”

May’s eyes slitted as she studied the doctor’s face but it seemed professional curiosity drove the question, not a desire to poke into her and Phil’s love life. “Not really. Damn thing has been moving a lot lately, mostly at night. Keeps me awake.”

“From what I’ve read that’s normal. As long as it isn’t affecting your ability to function during the day, you’ll be okay. Any nausea or fever?”

May shook her head. 

“Good. How are your clothes fitting?”

“They’re a bit tight around the waist,” she said grudgingly.

“You’re gaining weight, as you’re supposed to be.” Simmons smiled. “It seems everything is progressing normally and that you’re both doing fine, so if there isn’t anything else you need to talk to me about - “

“There isn’t,” May hastened to interrupt, hopping off the examining table.

“Then I guess you can get back to work.”

“Good.” Their eyes met for a second. “Thanks.”

Simmons beamed. “My pleasure. That’s what friends are for, right?”

But May was already out the door.

~ ~ ~ 

“You’re really very fascinated by that baby, aren’t you?”

Simmons started and quickly looked behind her. “Fitz! You shouldn’t sneak up on people.”

“It’s right there in the name. Sneakers.” He picked up a foot and waggled it. “Sneakers are for sneaking.” He nodded his head at the computer screen. “What are you hoping to find?”

She looked back at the images she’d taken during May’s recent checkup, comparing them against images on a second screen. “It looks normal. Nothing to show there’s alien DNA.”

“You sound disappointed. What were you hoping for, tentacles? An extra eye?”

She reached back and smacked him playfully. “Of course not. I just thought … hoped … “ She trailed off.

“That there would be something to identify it as different.”

She nodded, eyes downcast.

“There have been generations of Inhumans born with alien DNA since the Kree started mating with humans when they were left behind here on earth, Gemma. I don’t suppose anyone would have known back in the dark ages, I mean even if a child had been born looking like Raina they’d have had their own explanations for it. Demon possession, wrath of God … whatever. Since the science age began and people have been doing ultrasounds on unborn babies there haven’t been mass reports of weird images - “

“ - because there hasn’t been mass exposure so the terrigen crystals. Of course. Most generations came and went without ever realizing they were different, having a dormant set of genes that were never activated. We know better now though.”

“ _You_ know better, Gemma. And Coulson isn’t an Inhuman, though he does have Kree blood in him, so who knows what his child will inherit?”

“You’re right.” She sighed, turning off the monitors. “I was hoping though.”

“I know. He touched her shoulder. “And if there’s anything to find, you’ll be the one to do it.”

She smiled up at him and a burst of electricity jolted through both of them. He pulled his hand back as if burnt. “So uh, it’s nearly lunch time. Shall we go see what’s cooking?”

“Sure.” She smiled brightly, but inside her it felt like a thousand butterflies were zipping around. 

~ ~ ~

The number on his call display was a very familiar one, as was the handsome, dark face that filled the wall of his office when he put the call onscreen.

“Andrew.”

“Phil. It’s good to see you. How are things going?”

“About like usual.”

“That good, eh?”

Coulson raised an eyebrow.

Andrew smiled reassuringly. “I’m sure you have everything under control.”

“I’m good at giving that impression, yes.”

“Good to see you’re not losing your sense of humour.”

“If I lose that then all is lost. This place is crazier than a nuthouse sometimes. I need humour to keep me sane.”

Andrew’s smile widened. “How’s Melinda doing? I’ve tried to call her, but … “

“Pretty well.” Coulson nodded. “Under the circumstances. She still has nightmares fairly often - “ An almost imperceptible hardening of the other man’s face had him pause. _He doesn’t like the mental picture of seeing us in bed together._ “ - sorry.”

“It’s okay. It’s good that you’re there for her when she needs you. It’s good that she’s letting you be there; that’s progress.”

A shared sadness crossed both of their faces. 

“How’s the baby doing?”

Coulson nodded again. “Fine. Simmons says both of them are doing well physically.”

“That’s good to hear.” Andrew paused. “May I come see her?”

A part of him wanted to say no, the part that felt threatened, letting May’s ex husband back into her life. Andrew had confessed to still having feelings for her, and though she might never be willing to admit to it, he was pretty sure she still had feelings for him. _We’re handling things just fine without you. Don’t come back into our lives and screw things up, not when we’re finally starting to feel like a couple and figuring out how to deal with our future together._ But he knew Andrew only meant well and denying the man a chance to see a woman he cared for out of jealousy was the mark of a small, selfish man.

He wasn’t going to be that man.

“Of course. When are you available to come?”

“Is tomorrow too soon? I have no classes and that gives me a three-day weekend.”

“That should be fine. Right now she’s on the base but she is on restricted field duty so if something comes up that we need her for … “ He left it hanging.

“I understand. I’ll come out early tomorrow.”

“I can have someone pick you up if you’d prefer a private flight,” Coulson offered.

“Only if it isn’t out of the way.”

“Not at all.” 

“I appreciate it. And Phil - “ Andrew paused. “Thank you.”

Coulson nodded as the screen went dark, already wondering what May’s response would be when he told her. Would she be prickly and sullen as was her usual response when faced with something she didn’t want, or would she be happy to see him?

The answer didn’t really matter and either way only served to increase his anxiety tenfold, as he unconsciously rubbed his replacement arm.

~ ~ ~ 

“Andrew’s coming tomorrow.”

May didn’t stop undressing but there was a distinct silence before she addressed his revelation. “Why?” She turned to face him as she pulled down her nightshirt.

Coulson couldn’t help but notice the slight bulge at her lower belly through the tight-fitting tee, but forced his attention back to the conversation. “To see us. You mainly.”

“Did you ask him to come?” There was no accusation in her tone but he sensed a faint disapproval nonetheless.

“No, he invited himself. I think he wants to make sure for himself that you’re okay.”

A darkness settled over her face. “Because I haven’t answered his calls.”

He took a step towards her. “Why do you do that? Not answer, I mean.” Sensing her defences rising, he gentled his voice. “I’m not judging, I just know after Bahrain … when you two split, he tried to contact you and you never responded. Why do you find it so hard to talk to him?”

Sadness permeated the room even though all she did was shake her head. “I just can’t. I don’t know what to say.”

He moved forward and took her two hands in his. She allowed him, to, reluctantly. “Start with the truth.”

Again she shook her head. “I can’t.”

He searched her eyes, seeing the truth she kept so carefully hidden and wouldn’t voice. “You still love him, don’t you?”

“Phil … “

“It’s okay,” he said gently, squeezing her hands. “I’ve always known. Neither of you really let go of each other, even after the divorce.”

She looked up at him, big brown eyes awash with the emotions she usually kept bottled up. Tears shimmered but didn’t fall. Swiftly he moved in and gathered her into his arms, knowing if he waited she’d pull back - figuratively and probably literally too - and throw her defences back up, keeping him at arm’s length.

She didn’t flinch but it did take her a few moments to wrap her arms around him and lay her head against his shoulder. Neither spoke but Coulson felt the conversation between them, as so often unspoken, and knew she did as well.

Their growing baby fidgeted and kicked him as they stood together and through those sensations he knew that whatever forces might be acting to keep them apart, this child bound them in a way nothing could separate. 

~ TBC ~


	12. Chapter 12

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

May grabbed her towel, still breathing heavily, and dabbed at her face. Her workouts had begun to take on a different form - less combat, more general strength training and yoga - but they had her working just as hard as ever and desperately needing a shower. As she stood under the hot spray, May’s hand caressed her belly, feeling the noticeable swell. It still provoked mixed reactions inside her; elation, fear, excitement, disgust.

Phil was excited and anxious and obviously thrilled. He couldn’t seem to keep his hands off her belly when they were alone together. She wanted to feel that excitement with him the way she had when she’d thought she was pregnant with Andrew’s baby all those years ago, but found it difficult to push out the other emotions. She was getting used to his constant touching but it still unnerved her a bit, as did having a growing being inside her. She’d always had very strict rules about her body - it was hers and no one was allowed to touch without express permission, and this takeover by a being she hadn’t planned for left her feeling vulnerable and not just a little violated.

She still had the dreams about Katya - less often now - and woke up in a cold sweat every time. That fear, that ‘how can I possibly be a good parent when I murdered a child?’ still plagued her at times. In her head she knew now what mother and daughter had been and that she’d only done what she had to do, but feelings weren’t logical or reasonable, and though she did her best to hide them and push them so they didn’t affect her work, they were still there.

She pulled on her sweater and hung the towel up to dry, carefully pulling a brush through her wet hair to detangle it. Brushing of teeth and a little bit of makeup and she was ready to face the world.

Or at least breakfast.

Walking down the corridor to the common area, she gave her standard morning greeting to those she passed. “Mmm.”

“Melinda.”

She stopped dead, nearly bumping into him as she turned the corner. “Andrew, you’re here early.”

His eyebrows rose as he smiled at her. “You made a morning person out of me. I haven’t been able to shake the pattern of waking up by six.” He nodded at the plate of food he was carrying. “Join me for breakfast? I was just about to begin.”

Her eyes darted around the room but there was no one else there. “Sure.” She rummaged around in the small kitchen area and pulled a few things together, joining him at the table several minutes later.

He eyeballed her plate and gave an almost imperceptible nod of approval. “That’s a good breakfast for someone eating for two.”

“I still workout first thing. I’m hungry.”

“You must have just finished.” He nodded. “The wet hair kind of gives it away. You look good, by the way. Healthy, glowing. And the baby’s even showing a little too.”

“Mmm.”

They finished the rest of the meal in not quite companionable silence. As they rose to take their plates, she decided to break it. “How long are you staying?” She asked bluntly.

He was silent a moment. Reading her. She knew he was and the back of her neck grew warm under his scrutiny. She really wasn’t comfortable with him being here and she knew he could see it.

“A couple of days. Phil said I was welcome for as long as I wanted to stay.”

“Of course.”

They began walking towards living quarters. “I have others to visit with besides you and Phil. I’d like to talk science with Gemma again, and of course there’s Skye - “

“Daisy,” May interrupted, before she could stop herself.

“Of course. She goes by her birth name now. I had forgotten.”

“You’re not the only one who has issues with it,” she muttered. “She’ll always be Skye to me. I have to think hard to remember to call her Daisy.”

He smiled. “It must be confusing sometimes. Those of you who knew her before think of her as Skye. The newer recruits have only ever known her as Daisy.”

“The more important question is who does _she_ think she is?”

Andrew gave her a shrewd glance as they walked. “That’s very perceptive of you.”

May’s one eyebrow arched. “I might have learned a few things living with you.” She shrugged. “And when you live and work with the same people day in and day out … you have to be observant.”

He nodded. “Well whoever she thinks of herself as, she seems to be settling into her role here and has accepted who she is and what she can do.”

“It’s true. She really has stepped up and grown into an agent we can count on for anything.”

Andrew stopped walking and faced her, forcing her to stop as well. “That’s in a large part because of you, Melinda.”

She shrugged it off. “Part of the job. I’m the senior agent, it’s my job to help train the younger ones and teach them what it means to be a part of Shield. Skye’s one of the best; she’ll make a good right hand for Phil when he needs to replace me.”

He lifted a hand and touched her cheek impulsively. “Phil would never replace you. He couldn’t; you’re irreplaceable.”

For a second she almost leaned into his hand, feeling a rush of warmth at the connection. Then she stiffened and pulled back. He understood and removed it. 

“Soon enough I’ll be occupied with other things. He’s going to have to lean on someone else,” she said lightly, trying to break the tension between them.

“He will. Doesn’t mean he won’t miss you.”

“I’ll still be here, just not as a field agent.”

He smiled and in it there was something she hadn’t seen in a long time. “He’s a lucky man, Melinda. I wish … “

She forestalled him as he paused. “If wishes were horses but they’re not and we deal with life as it is, not as we wish it would be.”

He almost chuckled. “When did you become so wise? Make sure to remember that sage advice yourself. It’s good stuff.”

“I have to go - meeting in ten minutes.” The corners of her lips pulled up a fraction. “I’ll see you later.”

~ ~ ~ 

Coulson fell into step with Andrew as they walked the hallways. “How’s your visit going?”

Andrew looked over at him and nodded. “Good. I had a long and technical biological discussion with Simmons this morning. It was nice flexing those muscles again. I so rarely get to talk pure science with anyone.”

“I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself,” Coulson replied dryly.

Andrew smiled. “No, it probably isn’t your cup of tea, but I find it nice sometimes to talk of things that just are. Psychology is such a subjective science. Nothing is ever really definitive - the feelings and emotions that make up a person’s psyche are very … fluid.”

“If that’s your way of saying people are unpredictable then I’m right there with you.”

“Figured you would be. A lot of what you do managing these people is very fluid as well. Speaking of people, is Skye around? I mean Daisy. Sorry.”

“I keep doing that too. People are forever correcting me.” He smiled ruefully. “I know she wants to go by her birth name now but I can’t help but think of her as Skye.” He drew in a breath and exhaled audibly. “Unfortunately she’s prepping for a mission right now and I think it best not to disturb her. She likes to take some quiet time alone to focus before she goes out, if time allows.”

“Melinda taught her that.” It wasn’t a question.

“Yes, and it’s valuable advice. If the mission goes well she should be back inside of six hours.”

“And if not?”

Coulson raised an eyebrow. “I”ll get back to you if that’s the case. I’m afraid I have to go get things coordinated, but in the meanwhile you’ve got the run of the base. Maybe we can meet up for dinner and talk some more.”

“I understand. The hazards of visiting people at their workplaces.” Andrew smiled. “I”ll try to stay out of trouble until then.”

“ _You_ were never the one trouble seemed to follow.”

They shared a knowing smile as Coulson disappeared down an adjacent corridor.

~ ~ ~ 

May looked slightly irked when she entered the office.

“Thanks for coming.”

“I thought I wasn’t on this mission.”

Ah, that was it, the reason for her barely masked ire. “You’re not, technically, but I want you to help me monitor it from here.”

“You need my help for that now?”

“Skye does.”

“Daisy,” she murmured under her breath.

“Whatever.” He gave her a mock glare. “She’s leading the mission and I know she’s capable - “

“ - but you want me here for backup, to talk her out if things go south.”

“Something like that, yes. You two understand each other and work well together so if things don’t go according to plan, you’re the best person to help talk her through it and keep her calm. She’s still apt to lose focus now and then when the unexpected happens and her emotions get the better of her.”

She walked over to stand beside him, facing the wall of screens, and put her hands on her hips. “So, what’s she waiting for? Let’s get this party started.”

~ ~ ~ 

“Home in ten,” Skye sang out cheerfully.

Coulson visibly relaxed as he turned off the monitors. “Well that went well.”

May faced him. “You were thinking it wasn’t going to?”

He drew in a long breath. “When you first came back, I found your very stoic, unemotional behaviour a little difficult to get used to, to be honest. It wasn’t anything like the Melinda May I used to know and I wasn’t quite sure how to take it. But I’ve gotten used to it and have found it to be a real asset in your field work. I know you’ll get the job done no matter what you might be feeling inside, and that I can always count on you to do the right thing, even when the right thing feels wrong. I don’t have that same confidence in Skye. I know you’ve worked with her on control but she can still be emotionally volatile sometimes and that happening at the wrong moment could be catastrophic.” He stopped to give her a chance to talk but she remained silent. “I know I have to let her make mistakes and learn as she goes along but that doesn’t stop me from worrying about her.”

“You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t.” They shared a long look. 

“Tell Andrew I’ll be along for dinner in about half an hour. I want to do a quick debrief before we eat.”

“I’ll let him know if I see him. It’s a big base you know.”

“You’re not joining us for dinner?”

“I really think that would be pretty awkward. Don’t you?” She arched an eyebrow. “I’ll eat in my room. I could use a little time now anyway.”

~ TBC ~


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my goodness, has it really been nearly 2 months??? My apologies. I had foot surgery and then mouth surgery in April and while I thought I'd have a lot of recovery time sitting down and could write, somehow I just couldn't concentrate on this. I've been having the itch to write again lately so hopefully I can get back into the swing of this story. It helps that the show is done airing for this season - I find I get distracted trying to pay attention to it and have troubles writing things that are AU. 
> 
> Anyway, if you've stuck with me this far and are still reading, THANK YOU! You are wonderful. :D

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

“It’s too bad Melinda isn’t joining us,” Andrew said between mouthfuls. “She seemed fine this morning, is she feeling okay?”

“I think so.” Coulson kept his face carefully neutral. “You know how she needs time away from people every day.”

“I do.”

“And given she’s been needing to spend extra time with Gemma lately for checkups, and in fact is living with someone she can’t escape from since it’s inside her … I think she’s feeling a little over-peopled, if you know what I mean.”

Again. “I do.”

“I’ll remind her to make a little more time to see you before you go tomorrow.”

“Thank you, I’d appreciate that.”

“It’s the least we can do since you came all the way here to see her.”

They fell into silence and though longtime friends, it wasn’t companionable. _Not surprising,_ Coulson thought. _May was right. This is awkward, even without her being here._ But a part of him couldn’t help but feel karma was at play here; how many times had he been a guest at dinner with them, feeling what he’d felt for her but having to keep it carefully under wraps because she was with someone else. Now it was his turn to be the man with the woman they both loved and Andrew’s turn to have to keep his feelings to himself.

Andrew’s eyes lifted over his head, looking at something beyond him. He recognized Skye’s laugh.

“I’d like to get a chance to talk with Skye, I mean Daisy, yet tonight if I can. She’s really come a long way from where she was when you brought me in to counsel her.”

Coulson turned his head, watching her for a moment. “Yes she has. Good luck tearing her away from Lincoln though. I swear the two are joined at the hip whenever she’s here.”

“That’s the young gentleman beside her?”

“That’s the one,” Coulson confirmed. “He joined us here recently; they met at Daisy’s mother’s Inhuman haven, Afterlife.”

“He’s one of them?”

“Yes he is. He was assigned to teach her how to use her powers - be her mentor, in effect - and now that he’s joined us she’s teaching him what it means to be a part of Shield and how to use his powers for the good.”

“A remarkable story.”

“Everything around here seems rather remarkable these days,” Coulson said dryly, “however not always in a good way.”

“Shield’s in a tough place,” Andrew offered, his face sympathetic. “It can’t be easy being in charge now.”

“Somehow I doubt it ever is, though I hope to find out once we weather accepting Inhumans into our midst.”

“Here? You seem to have achieved success with that.”

“In the wider world. Humanity isn’t going to find it easy to accept people who are different. Hell, we have trouble accepting people whose skin colour or beliefs are different, let alone being part alien and having superpowers.”

“Point taken. People do love superheroes though, of any race or colour.”

“Which might be our way in. Except not all Inhumans are heroes or want to be.”

“You sound like you’ve given it a lot of thought.”

“I’ve had to. It’s uppermost in my mind these days.”

Andrew’s one eyebrow raised slowly. “And Melinda and the baby?”

“It’s a tie. Both things are vying for my attention and take up my every waking thought. The sleeping ones too, often. To be honest, I’m not sure which frightens me more, Inhumans or parenting.”

Andrew smiled. It’s normal to be apprehensive about having a child.”

Coulson half-smiled and let out a soft chuckle. “It’s good to know at least _one_ thing in my life is normal.”

~ ~ ~ 

By chance or design they sat alone in the common area. May was sure it was design; Coulson had bugged her about spending some time with Andrew and now that she was, she was almost certain he was orchestrating it so they weren’t disturbed.

“I know I said it before but I’ll say it again. You look good, Melinda. Impending motherhood is definitely agreeing with you.” She sniffed as if insulted and he laughed. “I know, you’d probably rather be out there facing almost certain death than going through this.”

“No question. That, at least, I have control over. This?” She put a hand over her belly. 

“I don’t think it’s supposed to be about control, especially once the child is born and you have a toddler who’s just like you running around. I’m pretty sure you’re going to have your hands full and then some.”

“What makes you think it won’t take after Phil?” she demanded testily.

“Just because he seems more easygoing doesn’t mean he isn’t as stubborn as you underneath.”

“Mmm.”

Andrew smiled. “It’s a hell of a combination and might just end up being the most perfect Shield agent ever.”

Her defences dropped slightly and he could see the insecurity clouding her usually direct gaze. “What … “ She paused, as if reconsidering the question she was about to ask, “ … do you think our child would have been like, if we’d managed to have one?”

He leaned forward, eyes holding hers. “Perfect. Just like this one will be.”

“How can you be sure of that?”

He took one of her hands in his. “I am. You forget I know you as well as you know yourself. Maybe better.”

“Not anymore. Not since Bahrain.” A shadow crossed her face.

“I know you better than you think, Melinda. Your refusal to talk told me more than your words ever could have.” His voice softened. “I know that when you open your heart and let someone in, you never let them go. You love them and protect them and cherish them more than life itself.”

“I … I … “

“I know. He squeezed her hand. “A part of me will always love you too. But Phil is in your heart now and this baby too, whether you know it or not. I know once it’s born, your son or daughter will become more important, more precious to you than anyone else. And regardless of your indecision now, you will live to love and protect that child with everything you have.”

~ ~ ~ 

“I’m fine.”

“Of course you are.”

“Then why won’t you let me go?” May’s eyes flashed dangerously.

“Because … “ Coulson trailed off, knowing his reasoning - his feelings - were better left unsaid.

“Because you’re afraid I’ll get hurt.”

He nodded.

Her eyes narrowed. “You wouldn’t feel that way if I wasn’t pregnant.”

“But you are, and I do worry about you and the baby.”

I’ll just be driving the bus. No combat. I won’t even leave the Jet. What can possibly happen to me there?”

“Do you even need to ask that question?” He walked towards her. “You know this job better than anyone. You know how unpredictable it can be.”

“And that’s why Fury hand-picked me to become an agent - and your bodyguard by the way - because I’m good at handling the unpredictable.”

He stopped mere inches in front of her. “I’d rather you not have to handle anything.”

“Phil … “ Their eyes held, an unspoken conversation continuing. “The baby’s at 25 weeks. Soon enough I won’t be able to go out in the field at all. Let me do this now while I can.” She paused, voice dropping to a whisper. “Please.”

She could see the conflicting emotions cross his face, the concern for her darkening his eyes, and knew that regardless of his feelings, he’d capitulate.

“Please be careful.”

“Always am.”

“If you don’t come back … “

“Always do.”

“You’d better.”

They shared a moment, untouching, unspeaking, before he abruptly turned and walked back to his desk to pick up a file folder. “Let’s go. We’re meeting the others in the hangar for the mission briefing.”

~ ~ ~ 

Skye, or rather Daisy, raised an eyebrow when she and Coulson ascended the ramp into the jet, but showed no other signs of surprise. _Good,_ May applauded silently. _You’re almost there._ Mack’s poker face was pretty damned good too but Lincoln’s definitely needed work. _He isn’t an agent,_ she reminded herself. _May never be. So why is he going_ … she stopped the thought mid-formation. 

To protect her. Coulson was putting his best and/or most powerful on the team. For her. It was both annoying and comforting.

She listened with one part of her mind as they reviewed their instructions, while another part was narrowly watching her colleagues. Yet another part was thinking about the baby as it moved inside her; a fetal martial artist by the feel of things. _Focus,_ she told herself stemly. _You need to be one hundred percent on the mission. Time to think of other things later._

“ … bottom line - you all come back. I want that intel on Hydra but not at the cost of anyone’s life. Understood?”

May knew he was referring to her, reminding the others of their responsibility to protect her.

Skye nodded. “Crystal.”

May didn’t trust herself to speak. Having him treat her like she was made of glass irked her, even though she knew in normal circumstances he would never think of her that way. It was hard to push her feelings away and not snap at him for being overprotective, but she had to. Getting worked up over it and causing friction just before the mission would dull her focus and she needed to be sharp.

“Wheels up in five,” she said brusquely, walking to the cockpit.

“May.” He’d followed her and stood behind her as she began the pre-flight sequence. 

“I know.”

He put a hand on her shoulder and a spark sizzled through her. 

“You should go now. We’ll be taking off soon.”

“I’ll see you in a few hours.”

She nodded and put on her sunglasses and headpiece, not trusting herself to look back as he walked away.

~ ~ ~ 

It didn’t take a genius to see he was worried. The tension was visible in every line of his body and he stood straighter and more still than she’d ever seen him.

“She’ll be okay.”

Coulson didn’t turn at her words so Bobbi walked over to stand beside him. “It’s hard watching someone you care for go off into possible danger.”

Still he said nothing, not even acknowledging that he’d heard her.

“She can take care of herself. None better.”

“That’s not what I’m worried about. She promised me she’d stay out of it, but if things go south she won’t hesitate … “

“ … to step in and look after the others. And that puts her squarely in harm’s way.” Bobbi shifted her weight. “Mama May,” she murmured. “That’s what Hunter sometimes calls her. I know he doesn’t mean it in a flattering way but it’s true. Under the unemotional, logical exterior she cares for all of us.”

“She really does. More than you know.”

“She’ll be okay,” Bobbi reiterated, knowing she couldn’t be certain but also knowing Coulson needed to hear it.

He nodded absently. “Was there something you wanted?” he asked a few minutes later, not taking his eyes off the screens.

“Not really. Just letting you know we finished up the inventory of the armoury and have the list for you.”

“Thank you.” He put his hand out and took it, still not looking away. 

“And I thought I’d ask if you had anything else for us to do.”

Now he looked squarely at her. “Bored?” A flicker of amusement lightened his eyes.

“Yes.”

“Sorry, nothing at the moment. The next mission is yours, I promise. For now, take some personal time.”

“On or off the base?”

“Your choice. Just let me know what you’re doing.”

“Will do. Thanks boss.”

He nodded brusquely once and turned back to look at the screens, still dark, as if wishing for them to light up. “Come on May,” he muttered under his breath as Bobbi left. “Check in.”

~ ~ ~ 

“Okay, we’ve got eyes on them,” Skye said, voice coming clearly through the comms. “They seem to be waiting for something.”

“Someone’s coming,” Mack said quickly. “Male. Tall. Can’t make out the face. He’s just heading inside now.”

“I’ll have him right away then,” Skye said almost cheerfully. May rolled her eyes. Skye almost always sounded cheerful nowadays and she knew exactly why. 

“Okay, he’s just about to sit down and oh my god!”

“What? What is it?” May demanded, muscles tensing automatically as she readied to leave the ‘jet. 

“It’s Ward. Holy shit, it’s Grant Ward.”

~ TBC ~


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long since the last update! No, I haven't forgotten about this story and in fact have been working on it quite a bit in the last little while. Updates should be a little more regular starting now. Thanks for sticking with me and being patient. :D

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

“Don’t move. I’m coming in.” May sprinted - well as fast as she could run - towards the warehouse they’d staked out, grateful she’d kept up her workouts. It was at least a quarter of a mile from where they’d hidden the ‘jet and she was already tiring. _How can something so small be such a drain on my energy?_ She wondered. At her last checkup she’d gained six pounds, the baby being only roughly a third of that, and yet it felt like she was running with an extra fifty. 

“Status,” she bit out.

Skye’s response was immediate. “I don’t think he’s spotted us yet.”

“I’ve got eyes on the back.”

“Front covered,” Lincoln reported in last. “Hey, didn’t the Director tell you to stay with the plane?”

“Shut up and keep your eyes and ears open,” May hissed, turning off her comm to gasp for air. She turned it back on several minutes later, switching it so that Coulson could hear too. “Target acquired. You might be a touch surprised at who it is.”

“Oh?” She could hear the nerves in his voice; didn’t know if the others could.

“Ward.”

“ _Grant Ward?_ ”

“One and the same.”

“Status,” he barked.

“Lincoln and Mack are on the doors. Daisy’s inside, trying to get recording up and running.”

“Where are you?”

“Where I’m supposed to be,” she retorted, a touch of acid in her voice. “Backup.”

“You be careful. Ward is dangerous.”

“They’re all dangerous, Phil. This is a good thing. At least we know him.”

“Hardly.” The bitterness was evident.

“More than we would a stranger. I’ll take whatever advantage I can get.”

There was a fairly lengthy pause. “Keep the comms on,” Coulson said, breaking the silence. “I want to know what’s happening out there.”

“Got it. Daisy?”

“Way ahead of you. I just didn’t want to interrupt.”

“Put the feed through so Coulson can hear too.”

“Consider it done. I’m just working on getting into their security system. For an abandoned warehouse they sure have a lot of tech running.”

“Surprise, surprise.” Mack’s low voice held an overabundance of dry sarcasm.

“Don’t underestimate them,” Lincoln warned.

“Did that once. Never will again, believe me.” May huffed.

Coulson made a noise that she was sure was disapproval but the others might have picked up as just a snort of disgust at the thought of the man who’d betrayed them.

“I’m going in a little closer.”

“May,” he warmed.

“A little. I’m no help if I’m too far back.”

The next sound he made was very obviously disapproval. “Yeah, I know. Be careful.”

“They’re on the move!” Skye interrupted.

“Where?”

“They’re scattering. All directions.”

Mack growled. “It’s like they knew we were here.”

Coulson frowned. It seemed to be a coincidence their meeting would break up just as they’d been surrounded and Shield’s best tech set up. He didn’t believe in coincidences. Somehow, some way, Hydra had found out their plans. _Do we have another mole?_ He wondered, his stomach already sinking. “Use extreme caution. If we’ve been compromised … “ He stopped, noticing the background noise had disappeared suddenly. “May? Skye?” He paused. “Mack? Is anyone there?” _Dammit._ He closed his eyes a moment, picturing May. _If anything happens to her …_

He took several calming breaths, knowing there was nothing he could do now but wait and trust that his team would be okay.

~ ~ ~ 

On the floor, May noticed the sudden comm silence as well. Damn. She trusted the team, all good people, and knew they’d follow fallback protocol once communication was lost - meeting at the quinjet to regroup. She turned, ready to head back and join them, but a large figure stood in her way. 

“Agent May. So nice to see you again.”

She bit down the curse that immediately came to mind. “Pity the feeling isn’t mutual.”

Ward smiled. It was decidedly menacing. 

_I liked it better when he never smiled and seemed made of cardboard,_ she thought. 

“Always with the cold, hard truth. Never sugar coat things.”

“I wish you’d have been truthful. Would have saved a lot of lives if we’d known you were Hydra from the beginning.”

“That wouldn’t have worked well for me. You’d have executed me.”

“Like I plan to do now.”

“With what weapon? I know you don’t carry a gun and you know as well as I do that I’m as good a fighter as you and can beat you. Particularly now.” He looked pointedly at her stomach. You’ve either gained weight or you’ve found yourself another bed partner.”

May choked back her rage. He was right; at her best he was her match, and she was far from her best now.

“So, Agent May is to become a mama. Who’s the daddy, or should I guess?” He smirked. “One of three options. Either you’ve gone back to the ex, you and Coulson have finally crossed that line, or someone new and exciting has joined Shield and you just couldn’t help yourself.”

“Go. To. Hell.” 

“I’m laying odds on Coulson. The tension between you two was always palpable. But you let him get you pregnant? Tsk, tsk.”

She threw a punch, regretting it the moment her muscles tensed. He was goading her and she had to stay calm and not react.

He caught her hand neatly, taking the full force of her weight and not even flinching. “Where’s that legendary Cavalry control? Hormones getting the better of you?”

May bared her teeth, literally shaking with rage, but unable to think of an appropriate retort.

“Don’t worry, I don’t plan on hurting you or little baby Coulson. Not,” he added slowly, “unless you get in my way.”

She glared at him and he gave an exaggerated sigh. “Of course that’s why you’re here. I’m surprised Coulson would let you out on this kind of mission in that condition.”

“Go to hell,” May hissed again.

“I’m sure I will be. But not until my plan is complete.”

“Which is what exactly?”

“Shame on you, Melinda. This isn’t a cheap spy movie. I’m not going to stand here and tell you every detail of my plan while your friends come up behind me and catch me off guard.” He paused a moment. “Yes, I know there are three of them. I’ve got my men on them.”

“Good luck with that.” She sniffed disdainfully.

He smiled again and it gave her chills. “You brought Skye along. How nice. I’d love to catch up with her.”

“You’ll get your chance. She’ll get you.”

“Bring it on. I’m looking forward to hanging with Shield people again. You were always such fun.”

“Bastard.” May couldn’t help herself. She lashed out, throwing her body at him and twisting around to escape his grasp. But he knew her every move as well as she did and blocked them all easily, grabbing for her as she paused for a fraction of a second to catch her breath. His hand connected with her arm and he flipped her handily. She landed with a heavy thud, flat on her back.

Out of nowhere Ward felt himself lifted off the ground and tossed fiercely backwards. As his back hit the wall he heard the word repeated again - “bastard” this time in Skye’s voice, just before a crackle of electricity jolted him right out of consciousness.

“Get him immobilized now,” Mack yelled, running towards the still-prone May. He dropped to his knees before her. “May?”

“I’m okay, just winded.” She struggled to get up, flinching from his hands as he reached to help her. “I said I’m fine.” She looked over at Lincoln and Skye. “Have you got him? Make sure it’s tight. He’s a slippery bastard.”

“May, are you okay?” Skye’s eyes flew down to her stomach as she crossed the room. “I thought … “

“I’m fine. Everything’s fine. Just winded and a little bruised. Come on, let’s get him back to the ‘jet. 

~ ~ ~ 

“I’m fine,” May hissed, knowing Simmons wasn’t the real target of her anger and that the agent didn’t deserve her temper, but she just couldn’t help herself.

“Now I know that and you know that,” Simmons said, exaggerating her words, “but you know the Director is going to want proof that neither of you was hurt today so allow me to do what I need to do quickly and then all this unpleasantness will be over.” The way she said the words sounded friendly and they were delivered with a smile, but May knew there was iron underneath that sweet demeanor. She grunted assent but inside was pleased to see how the agent had taken on a much more confident role.

She flinched as the ultrasound wand touched her belly; cold gel connecting with warm skin. Simmons murmured to herself as she moved it around, eyes trained on the jumbled images on the screen. 

How could one make heads or tails of it when it just looked like blobs of moving ectoplasm? May strained to try to see anything recognizable when suddenly a face appeared on the screen. Tiny, delicate features, but unmistakably the profile of a tiny nose, lips, and closed eyes. “Oh!” Something exploded inside her heart, making it feel as if it had grown larger. An unknown feeling stole over her. _That’s it. That’s our baby. Mine. Phil’s._ All the conflicting thoughts and feelings she’d had melted away in the blazing heat of love. She loved this child. The one she thought she was never going to have. It was hers. Her son or daughter. A part of her and a part of Phil, their union creating something more perfect than they ever could have dreamed of.

“There it is,” Simmons said cheerfully. “You see the face?”

May nodded lightly, unable to voice her thoughts.

“The heartbeat is strong and steady and everything looks to be perfect.” She smiled at May. “Clearly your baby is just as tough as you are.” Seeing the awestruck look on May’s face, she ventured to make a suggestion. “Do you want to know if it’s a boy or girl? I might be able to tell by now.”

Again May just nodded.

Simmons poked around for several minutes, eventually stopping with a big grin on her face. “I’m not one hundred percent positive, but it looks very much to me as if it’s a girl.”

~ ~ ~ 

He’d seen Coulson pretty angry before but that had been nothing compared to the darkness Mack saw in Coulson’s eyes now. The man looked like he was barely holding himself in check but desperately wanted to kill something.

He hoped he wasn’t going to be the recipient of the Director’s anger for allowing May to be a part of the fight. Not that he had, nor had any of them _allowed_ her - did anyone really tell May what to do? - to join in; in fact they’d reminded her to wait back at the ‘jet. But anger, the other side of fear, knew no reason sometimes, and the man feared for the woman and unborn child he loved and Mack understood the kind of primal emotion that could drive a man to do things outside of his usual nature.

Coulson’s cybernetic hand flexed repeatedly and Mack could see Lincoln and Daisy imperceptibly flinching as well, knowing they felt the hostile current in the room. 

“That will be all,” Coulson said in sharp, biting tones. Mack and Lincoln knew enough to leave while the getting was good but Daisy had always pushed boundaries with him.

“But sir - “

“Leave. Now. Before I say or do something I’ll regret later.”

“I’m sorry. We never meant for May to get involved. She chose to - “

He cut her off. “I know. I know her better than you. I know it isn’t your fault but I can’t … just go. Leave me alone.”

She nodded and backed out, closing the office door behind her.

Grant Ward.

The man had no only pretended to be one of them and then betrayed them, he’d had his hands on Melinda - again - and had tried to hurt her. If there was any damage to her or their baby …

A blackness crept through him, darkening his eyes and indeed his soul. Grant Ward would never hurt anyone again. He would make sure of it.

~ TBC ~


	15. Chapter 15

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

“Report.” The word split the air like a gunshot. 

Simmons swallowed nervously, glancing through the glass at May before turning her eyes back to Coulson. “She’s fine. They’re both fine, sir. Tough as they come,” she added, forcing a smile to break the tension. 

He didn’t bite, only nodded brusquely, blue eyes fierce. He turned and left just as May entered the room. 

Simmons looked back and forth between them helplessly. “I uh …” she began, trying to find words to explain Coulson’s behaviour.

May held up a hand. “I’ll find him later. He won’t talk until he’s ready.” She too walked past and left the room without another word.

“Takes one to know one,” Simmons muttered under her breath. Sometimes she wondered why she stuck with these people who were so alien in the ways they handled things, but she always answered herself before the thought was fully formed. They were loyal and brave and would defend her to their last breath. They fought tirelessly for what they believed in and treated their colleagues like family. _Even if that means being grouchy most of the time._ She rolled her eyes and headed back to work, glad to have the lab to herself.

~ ~ ~ 

“Agent Coulson.” 

Coulson couldn’t respond in kind, even with sarcasm. Anger bubbled in him like a living thing, hungry for vengeance. He’d never felt such raw emotion before and had no idea how to quell it.

Not that he wanted to. He wanted to feel the heat, the burning inside as he played out scenario after scenario of himself slowly sucking the life out of the man he hated.

“Cat got your tongue?” Ward’s self-assured smile didn’t mask the menace in his eyes. “I’m sure you must have something to say to me.” He gave a slight nod. “Given the look on your face I’m thinking I guessed correctly. That little bun in May’s oven is yours. Sex with her is quite the challenge as I well remember. You must be far more man than I ever thought you were. My apologies for underestimating you.”

In an instant Coulson was upon him, full fury unleashed. He caught Ward a split second before the other man’s defenses kicked in and managed to get the upper hand quickly. His cybernetic hand, unlimited strength behind it, held Ward against the wall by the throat, constricting his windpipe just enough to let a bare whistle of air through. “I’ll bet you’re sorry you underestimated me now,” Coulson growled, other arm handily fighting off Ward’s attempt to get free. “You don’t touch Melinda. Not now. Not ever again.” He applied a little more pressure. “You’ve hurt your last person. Ever.”

He watched with satisfaction as realization dawned in the other man’s eyes. Realization that he’d been beaten. Realization that whatever he’d believed about Coulson had been wrong. He did have it in him to kill someone in cold vengeance. Realization that his life’s goals would go unfinished as he had barely seconds left to live.

A small smile graced Ward’s lips briefly and he mouthed the words, “you win.”

Coulson stared into Grant Ward’s eyes as the man died but all he could see was May’s face as he’d seen it before; battered and bruised, pain in her eyes. No matter that had been Bahrain and nothing to do with Ward; he’d known even back then that he never wanted to see that hurt on her face again.

Coulson released his grip slowly, watching the body slide down the wall into an unceremonious heap on the cell floor. He stared at it for a moment, the once large and physically imposing man nothing but a jumble of lifeless cells. The purple marks on his throat were there to stay, a testimony to his untimely death and its cause.

He turned and walked away, not looking back.

~ ~ ~ 

They found him not long after. He’d known they would. What he didn’t know was what they were going to do about it.

“Sir, we need you to come with us.”

Coulson stood, “Can I have a moment or two here first?” He cast his gaze around the arboretum as the last rays of the sun slanted through the skylight. This was May’s sanctuary. He felt comfortable here. There was a calmness and peace here among the greenery that he’d never fully appreciated until now. No wonder this was her favourite place.

They put him at the other end of the cell block from Ward. Thoughtful. 

The guard he’d dismissed from duty when he’d come to see Ward stood just outside the cell. “I understand why you did it, sir,” he said. “I just wanted you to know I’m glad he’s dead. I’m sure the others will be too and that this is just a formality.”

Coulson nodded, mind still too far away to process a verbal response.

~ ~ ~ 

It wasn’t the first time May wished she wasn’t second in command of Shield. It was, however, probably going to be the hardest situation she’d faced in that position to date. She despised Talbot and having Coulson be the one in the crosshairs wasn’t going to be easy. It didn’t help that she knew only the barest of information of what had happened. Ward was dead, Coulson in a cell. That was it. Talbot knew they were close. He knew of their friendship - probably didn’t know they’d grown closer than that, but regardless, would expect her to defend Coulson to her last breath.

Which she would.

“Agent May.”

“Talbot.”

“There seems to be a very serious breach of security in your organization.”

She remained silent. It lasted just over a minute before he broke it. “Don’t you have anything to say about the situation?”

“I’m waiting to see what you have to say. So far you’ve said nothing specific.”

He gave her an annoyed look, one she knew all too well. “You want me to spell it out for you? Fine. You captured Grant Ward. Coulson went into his cell to talk to him. Less than an hour later he ends up dead. Strangled. Coincidence? I think not.”

“Do you have proof?”

“The surveillance feed died just before the incident occurred. I suspect that’s not just coincidence either.”

“Suspicions. Coincidence. Those aren’t facts.”

“What are you, a lawyer?”

“No, just an agent defending my partner. That’s what we do here. Supposing Coulson killed Ward. Let’s just suppose, and I’m not saying I believe he did, what would be so bad about that? He’s a traitor. Hydra. He helped undermine Shield, the very government of this country, and every freedom we stand for. We’ve had standing orders to kill if necessary when we confront him. He’s dead now, what’s the problem?”

“You didn’t kill him in a confrontation, Agent May. Killing a prisoner in a cell in cold blood is very different. Surely you understand that.”

She took a step closer. “Removing one evil man to save many lives makes sense to me. I’m not saying Coulson did it, but if he did, I support his actions.”

“And if it takes both of you down?”

“Then we go down together. Partners don’t abandon one another. Ever.”

“Your loyalty is admirable, however it may come at a heavy price. Are you sure you’re willing to pay it?”

She narrowed her eyes at him. “The price of doing what’s right is never too high.”

~ ~ ~ 

“Phil?” May entered the cell, stopping a few feet away as if kept out by an invisible barrier around him. “Are you okay?”

After a pause he responded. “I should be asking you that question.”

“I’m fine, you already know that. Simmons said so.”

“Gemma doesn’t know everything.”

His voice was flat, dead, no inflection or humour at all and it scared her. “We’re going to be just fine, Phil. Are you?”

His head turned slowly, eyes finally meeting hers. “I killed him.” May took a step closer. “He’ll never hurt anyone again.”

Her heart sank. Not because he’d confessed to murder and that price Talbot had referenced might yet need to be paid, but because she recognized the dead look in his eyes. It had stared back at her in the mirror for too long for her not to know it. “You had to, Phil. He was dangerous. A menace to humanity. Hydra,” she spat the last word out. “I’d have killed him if I could have.”

He stood slowly so they were nearly eye to eye. “You’re right. That’s all true. But that’s not why I did it. I did it because of you.”

“He didn’t hurt me,” she said gently. 

“He touched you.” His eyes were flinty. “He had his hands on you and would have hurt you, maybe even killed you, if the others hadn’t stopped him.”

“Okay, I’ll admit it wasn’t a fair fight. Not now.” She placed her hand over her belly, felt their daughter kicking. “But regardless of why, the fact remains Grant Ward was a monster. A traitor. He earned his death for the things he’s done, the people he’s killed. You shouldn’t feel bad for that.” She reached out to touch him but he pulled back.

“I don’t. That’s the problem. I don’t feel anything.”

Anger. Guilt. Maybe even a little bit of grief. May knew the feelings were inside him, just as they’d been inside her, buried under layers of numbness and shock. Being on the opposite side of the situation, she now understood for the first time how Andrew had felt dealing with her.

“Phil, please. Talk to me. Let me help you get through this. Legally we’ve got a case and I doubt they’ll prosecute you for this, but I know how you’re feeling right now and how far down it can pull you.”

“I know you do, which is why you know that I need to be alone now. Please go.” He turned his back to her, the conversation clearly over.

May stared at him for a full minute, silently willing him to turn around. When he didn’t, she finally did, slowly walking away, feeling her heart crack into tiny pieces.

~ TBC ~


	16. Chapter 16

“Agent May.” Talbot’s eyes widened as he stepped through the hangar doors into the base. He nodded at her, eyes darting down to her stomach. “I think there’s something you failed to mention in our earlier conversation.”

She brushed it off. “It has nothing to do with the situation at hand. You’re here to talk to Coulson in person so let’s go.”

“I’m sure we can make some small talk along the way.” He fell into step with her, the flanking guards dropping back to make room. “Can I ask who the father is?”

"You can ask.”

“But you’re not going to tell me.” He paused, waiting for a retort that never came. “Let me guess then. Agent Coulson? I know you two are close and have quite the history. It wouldn’t be surprising if your friendship crossed the line.”

She said nothing.

“When can we expect baby May to be born?”

“February.”

“Congratulations.”

“Mmm.”

They turned a corner and were met by two more armed agents. May nodded at them and they lowered their weapons. “General Talbot is here to talk to the Director. Give him your full cooperation.”  
“Yes, Agent May.”

Talbot faced her, his surprise not quite hidden. “Thank you. After I’m done with Coulson I’m going to want to talk to the members of the team that apprehended Ward.”

“I’ll see they’re ready for you.”

He gave her a formal half-bow. “Again, thank you.”

As he was led into lockup by the guards, May turned and walked away, eyes narrowing.

~ ~ ~ 

“I don’t believe it.”

May felt Skye’s dismay. Coulson was her idol; had been since he’d recruited her. It was never easy to see one’s idols shattered.

It made them human.

“Just be honest with Talbot. Tell him whatever he needs to know.”

“Seriously?”

May’s eyes narrowed again. “We have nothing to hide.”

“Unless Coulson actually did kill Ward,” Mack said dryly.

“Hiding things isn’t going to help the situation.”

Skye threw her arms up in the air. “So you’re just going to throw him to the wolves then?”

“Daisy, please.” Lincoln leaned down and whispered in her ear.

“No,” she argued, still staring at May. “Partners don’t do that. They stand by one another. They believe in one another.”

May’s eyes flashed but her voice was deadly calm and quiet when she spoke. “Don’t you dare question my loyalty to Coulson. Don’t. You. Dare. He is guilty - he told me himself that he killed Ward, but I will stand with him wherever that takes us. I’m hoping the powers that be will see the benefit in Ward’s death and not prosecute for the way it was achieved. If they do then he’ll take whatever punishment comes, but don’t you ever believe for a second that I won’t be there beside him whatever way it goes.”

“Being completely honest and transparent will only help,” Lincoln nodded. “In my experience with governments, they tend to get more angry and unreasonable when you try to hide things.”

May’s eyes flicked approvingly at him. “We’re going to do this the right way. I don’t want there to be any blowback on Shield or any of the rest of you. So be completely honest about what happened today. Understood?”

They all nodded, but as the men left Skye hung back. “Can I ask you something?”

May just raised an eyebrow, the shorter version of her earlier answer to Talbot’s query. 

“I know you hated Ward and are probably happy he’s dead. But what if Coulson had killed someone you didn’t approve of? Would you still be supporting him? 

“If you don’t know the answer to that then clearly you don’t know me as well as you think you do.”

~ ~ ~ 

“And you’re sure that’s everything?”

“That’s it.” Mack nodded.

Talbot looked down at his notes. “Can you tell me about Coulson and May’s relationship?”

“I don't really see how that's relevant."

“Anything might be.”

“I’m not sure what I can tell you. They have one, that’s really all I know.”

“Well Agent May is pregnant. That’s not nothing.”

“True.”

Talbot frowned. “Why are you all so unhelpful? Talking to you people is like trying to pull water from a stone.”

“We’re spies sir. We’re kind of taught to listen more, talk less. It’s just how we do things.” Mack smothered a smile as he spoke; the look on Talbot’s face was priceless. He almost looked as if he was going to cry. “Agents Coulson and May are among the best Shield’s got. They’re loyal, dedicated, and have an enviable partnership. Their methods may not always be above-board but they always do things with the right intentions. I don’t see that their personal relationship is getting in the way of work.”

“See? That’s much more helpful, Agent Mackensie. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Sir.”

Talbot narrowed his eyes. “You’re dismissed. Please tell Agent May I’m ready to see her now.”

Mack nodded and left the room. Minutes later he relayed the message. She stood and walked towards the conference room. “Oh goody,” she muttered under her breath.

~ ~ ~ 

“Please, sit.”

May did so without comment, waiting patiently for him to begin. He would if she remained silent long enough; people found silence uncomfortable, an advantage she always took.

“What, do they all take their cue from you?” he muttered, less than a minute later.

May delicately lifted an eyebrow.

“They’re all as close-mouthed as you are.”

“Loose lips sink ships.”

“So does committing murder.”

She said nothing.

“You’re not denying it.”

She leaned forward, resting elbows on the table. “Should I?”

“I don’t know. Should you?”

“You’ve talked to Phil.”

“I have. He admits to killing Ward.” Talbot stroked his mustache.

“So why do you think I should be denying it then?”

“Because I’m not sure he actually did it. If he didn’t, he’s lying to protect whoever did. You know he would.”

Something in her heart pinged. “Yes he would. But in this case he isn’t.”

He sat back and crossed his arms over his chest. “Frankly, I’m surprised you’re not defending him. What happened to standing up for your partner?”

“Coulson did what he said he did and is ready to face the consequences. I’m not sure what clouding the truth and trying to redirect blame will accomplish. Ward was a very dangerous man with multiple murders and a treason charge hanging over him. Killing him quickly was too good for him. He should have been made to suffer. And you all should be thanking us for taking him off the board for you.”

“Be that as it may, the ends don’t always justify the means. You should know that by now, Agent May.”

“Weigh them. In this case they do.”

“I hear where you’re coming from and a part of me agrees with you.” He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “But that other part, the one that’s responsible for making sure people don’t overstep their bounds and break the law, can’t just let it go without a full investigation. It has to go to proper authorities for judgement.”

“I understand.” May stood. “Can I ask a favour?” He gestured yes. “I’d like to get a psychologist in to talk to him. He’s … not quite himself, and I believe could benefit from some counselling.”

Talbot stood as well. “Of course. Dr. Garner?” She nodded. “Shall I contact him or do you want to?”

“I will.”

He nodded. “Dismissed.”

~ ~ ~ 

“Melinda. What a nice surprise.”

She smiled back at him, though it never quite reached her eyes. “It’s good to see you too. I wish it were under better circumstances.”

“Oh?”

“Phil’s in trouble.”

“What kind of trouble?”

“Every kind.”

“I suppose I should assume there’s a mental component to it or you wouldn’t be calling me.” An apologetic smile crossed her face briefly. “How bad is it?”

“You remember me after Bahrain?”

His face grew solemn. “I’ll come right away. What happened?”

“I’ll brief you when you arrive. Should I send a jet for you?”

“I’ll take a commercial flight. There’s one out in an hour. I’ll let you know when I arrive at the airport.”

“Andrew … Thank you. I hope you can help him.”

“I hope so too.” His eyes flicked down to her stomach. “For both of your sakes.”

~ ~ ~ 

May approached the cell cautiously. “Phil?”

He appeared to be looking directly at her but as she moved closer she could see the empty look in his china blue eyes. All he was seeing were the demons in his own soul.

She knew that all too well.

Something flickered in those expressionless eyes as she walked through the space where the force field should have been. “I’m surprised they’re letting you in,” he murmured as sparks shimmered, showing the field had been raised behind her.

“Why wouldn’t they?”

“I’m a killer.”

Moving closer, she came and sat on the bed beside him.

“I killed a man.” His head turned so he was facing her. “That makes me a killer. Dangerous.”

“How many people have you killed before him? It’s not like he’s the first. It happens in the line of duty when you hold this job.”

He lifted his hands up and looked at them as if he’d never seen them before. “Not with my bare hands.”

“Well I have. Killed people with my bare hands. Does that make me a killer? Am I dangerous? Should I be locked up?”

Coulson frowned. “This is different and you know it.”

“Yes and no. Phil, please.” She reached out and took his left hand in her right one, twining their fingers. “I know what it feels like to be unable to accept what you’ve done, to hate yourself because of it. But you have to be reasonable and logical about it. Know that what you did was best, regardless of how you feel inside. I did.”

A trace of humour pulled at the corners of his mouth for a moment. “Sure took you a long time.”

“You’re far more reasonable and logical than I am. It shouldn’t take you nearly as long. You have to let it go - those are some of the best words of advice I ever got from someone who knew better than me.”

“You’re throwing my own words back at me, seven years later.”

She smirked. “I never forget.”

“Melinda … I …. “ He stopped, pressing his lips together until they were white. “I can’t.”

“You have to.” She moved their joined hands until they were pressing against her belly where the baby kicked.”For our daughter’s sake. She needs a father and I need you to help me figure out how to do this parenting thing. We can’t live without you, Phil. We need you.”

His eyes widened as she spoke. “Daughter? It’s a girl? You know this … “

“Simmons told me.” His face gentled and in it she could see the raw emotions he was struggling with. “You got me through my tough times a few months ago. Let me help you now.” She slid closer to him, tightening her grip on his fingers.

The barriers broke suddenly and his face crumpled as he threw his arms around her and buried his face in her neck. “What have I done?” he whispered.

“It’s okay,” she soothed, stroking his back. “Whatever comes, we’ll deal with it. Together.”

 

~ TBC ~


End file.
